To all employees

TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

Effective June 2012:

Dress Code:
1, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary/ if we see you wearing prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2, if you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3, if you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctors certificate as proof of sickness ; if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays:
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday

Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is neccessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
1, Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minuite time limit in the cubicles.
2, at the end of 3 minuites, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken.
3, after your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “chronic offenders” category.
4, Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy

Lunch break:
1, skinny people get 30mins for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2, Normal sized people get 15 mins for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3, Chubby people get 5 mins for lunch, because thats all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company, remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.