That One Time


i tried having pepper soup at work for breakfast
and it stained my white shirt so i had to strip (rather slowly and sensually) then washed my outfit in the toilet and dried it under the hand dryer.
My muscles rippled slowly while i scrubbed the outfit and my mildly sweaty chest glistened in the light of the toilet
The throngs of my scrubbing echo’ed through out the room as i intensely scrubbed at my shirt


 

 

 

 

Some soap lather fell on my chest and i tried to rub it off, instead it formed more lather and i found my self with soap all over my chest
The showers in the work bathroom immediately came on and i had to gently disrobe and step into the shower
The warmth and pulse of the shower jets gently massaged my flowing hair as i ran my fingers through very slowly
The water was warm and tender to my skin and that was when
sigh

That was when My wife woke me up and shouted “IDIOT yav piss in the bed…. Nonsense”

ShitShamed


I dont like using the toilet in public places.
Why?
Cos people always know…they always know you just went to poo…. You can see it on their faces the way they stare at you when you come out of the toilet.
So many questions in their mind.
“Did he wash his hands?”
“Was the poo plenty?”
“Is he a shitty shitty?”
“What did he eat this time?”
“Why does he like to shit all the time”
These things give me concern……
Anybody would feel the same way i feel.
I remember one time i was at the airport, my flight wasnt ready so i had a bit of time.
I felt the first Shit Pang when i was at the check in counter but i just ignored it, i thought it was probably one of those false alarm shit pangs…. Okay i must admit, i released a small fart and i felt a lot better.
By the time i had sat down to wait for the departure call, the Shit pang had quadrupled. It was so intense that i broke out in immediate sweat.
it was not funny.
I looked around the waiting area and it was very full, people everywhere, and i had my suitcase and laptop bag.
I looked towards the toilet area and there was nobody there so i quietly rolled my luggage infront of me towards the toilet.
I had this casual “I just need to pee quickly” (you dont want anybody to know you’re going to drop a hot shit) Walk.
I was even greeting people in a friendly manner
“Oh excuse me”
“So sorry”
“If i could just squeeze through”
It was a full house that day so yeah, unless i was going to carry my luggage on my head, there was no other way i would have passed through the crowd without looking suspicious.
Anyway, got to the toilet and found an empty stall and i quickly got down to business.
The Shit Stank.
I cannot begin to explain to you the stankiness of the shit that day but be rest assured that it was bad. I think i had had a cheesy meal in the morning at some point and that was probably why the stink.
Anyway, Job done, time to exit the toilet….
Calculation time….
How do i exit this toilet without the whole world knowing i just came to take a shit… because they know….. oh they know…. how wouldn’t they know?
Quietly i unlock the door and peek out, unfortunately, there was a crowd of about 7 or 8 men in the toilet waiting for a free stall to use.
As i exited my stall, someone quickly rushed in. I was about to say
“You might wanna give that 10 to 15mins”
But the bros was in a hurry… so i quickened my pace….
The guy rushed out of the stall just as quickly as he rushed in…
“Whaaaat? Did something die inside you sir? What the hell did you eat? Kai, this is not right… Sir you should see a doctor though… my personal advice”
I didnt even turn back, i was already at the door, The shame would not even let me look up.
I finally exited the toilet and into the main lounge and then i finally looked up. It felt like all eyes were on me….
I could have sworn that i heard mummurs
“that guy just went to shit….”
“See that guy?, hes doing the I just went to shit walk of shame”
“Oh we all know he went to shit”
“Thats a shitterholic right there”
I even felt people pointing so i looked up to address them and probably lie that “I just took a piss but i was busy reading something on my phone that was why the delay”
Then i realized….. Nobody cared….. or well it seemed as if nobody cared. Everybody was just doing their own thing. I think some of the people that were there when i entered had gone and had been replaced by new people.
Sheesh….
I turned back to look at the toilet stalls…. Nobody was even sending me…. every body busy doing their own thing.

That was when i realized…. i wasn’t supposed to be at the airport, i had a meeting at another part of town. i guess i was here because i had been thinking about this shit all day long. Shrugs

This one sef happens…..

 

 

Lost Moron


Original ad:
36″ RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. very heavy. first with $50 gets it. no phone- email only.

From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hey there,

I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I’ll call you for directions.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?

From Me to Steve *****:

Sounds good. I’ll be over in a few hours.

Thanks,

Mike

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, I’m on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I’ll wait for your instructions.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.

From Me to Steve *****:

Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don’t see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.

From Me to Steve *****:

Uh…I turned around and I’m still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I’m at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT

From Me to Steve *****:

I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn’t 100 intersect with 113? I’m just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy

From Me to Steve *****:

This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?

From Me to Steve *****:

I think I’m on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

dude why the F**K would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A F**KING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!

From Me to Steve *****:

Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn’t anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a f**king GPS if you are this bad with directons

From Me to Steve *****:

Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

how the f**k is that my fault!?

From Me to Steve *****:

Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won’t be able to talk to you after this.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

are you f**king with me? im sorry dude but you are a f**king idiot and im done dealing withyou

==============================
EPILOGUE – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
==============================

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I’m getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don’t know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

listen up you stupid f**khead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got f**king lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a f**king idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you f**king crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a f**king dipshit that cant follow directons so f**k the f**k off and never email me again!!!!

oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A F**KING MORON

Dave the Janitor….


Hi guys,
I know ive been away from blogging for so long but im back now… taking a vacay from facebook. 🙂
as an apology, ill give you three posts today.
They are random conversations i found all over the internet.
hope you enjoy the read.
im working on new posts though so keep your fingers crossed.
cheers

 

Original ad:  55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY – NO EMAILS. 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********: Hey, That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale? Mike

From Felix ********* to Me: CALL THE NUMBER

From Me to Felix *********: What number?

From Felix ********* to Me: 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********: I just called that number and nobody answered. From

Felix ********* to Me: i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.

From Me to Felix *********: I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.

From Felix ********* to Me: my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********: I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?

From Felix ********* to Me: what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!

From Me to Felix *********: Are you sure you didn’t give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.

From Felix ********* to Me: NO!

From Me to Felix *********: I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?

From Felix ********* to Me: DONT SEND ME A FAX

From Felix ********* to Me: STOP SENDING ME FAXES

From Felix ********* to Me: SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!

From Me to Felix *********: Can’t you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?

From Felix ********* to Me: what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!

From Felix ********* to Me: OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********: Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?

From Felix ********* to Me: NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

From Felix ********* to Me: GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW

From Me to Felix *********: My apologies, I can’t go back. I’m at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I’ll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.

From Felix ********* to Me: HEY! NO! F**K THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I’M F**KING SERIOUS

From Me to Felix *********: Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?

From Felix ********* to Me: YES

From Me to Felix *********: Okay, I gave him your info. He’s going to call you shortly. I’m on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!

From Felix ********* to Me: DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX

From Me to Felix *********: This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow: I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

From Felix ********* to Me: GOD DAMMIT

From Me to Felix *********: This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow: I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh? =================================== I made another email account as Dave the Janitor…

===================================

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I’m Dave, the janitor at Mike’s office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: yeah hi dave here’s the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Mike didn’t mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he’d get it from me on Monday.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: oh Jesus Christ…no… he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: So you aren’t selling the fish tank?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can’t you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Tell you what, I’ll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a fucking fish tank.

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Excuse me? “with a janitor?” What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don’t like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn’t the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I’m not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You’re in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don’t think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I’m Felix! Sorry, I’m in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: ……are you done?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********: Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I’m just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don’t have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor: yeah yeah…. thats enough. thanks bye

=================================== A few days later, from my original email account… ===================================

From Me to Felix *********: Felix, I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn’t even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank! Mike

From Felix ********* to Me: good because im not selling anything to a stupid F**K who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********: Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You’ve done enough. Leave us alone.

From Felix ********* to Me: oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE F**KING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go fuck yourself you f**king fuckhead!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********: This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow: Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!

THE PISSING CHRONICLES


As a guy,
Don’t Lie,
You’ve taken a piss in public before.
never
Stop lying to yourself.
We are guys, When we feel a piss coming, we zip down and point our weapons to wherever is best in our own judgement and we let the piss out.
Nothing wrong with Pissing.
My wife cant stand the thought of guys pissing anywhere.
Truth is, we grew up pissing everywhere.
But then again, who says we cant change?
I had to stop pissing in public years ago after a sermon i heard but the truth is…. I MISS IT.
There are different kinds of public pissing as i was trying to explain to my wife this morning and i will take the initiative to break it down for you.
I hope as you read, you will be blessed.

KINDS OF PUBLIC URINATION FOR MEN

1,THE WALL PISS
wall piss.gif
This is probably one of the most popular types of pissing for men. Usually done around bars, restaurants, classrooms etc. the biggest problem with wall pissing is that you are definitely pissing around where people are (DUH, its a wall, that means its a building, that means humans are inside most of the time). But there is something very relaxing and releasing about wall pissing… i cant explain it. neither can you. Just watch your shoes though.

2, THE BLOCK PISS
block piss.gif
If you are like me and you schooled in Nigeria of which most of our schools always have some sort of construction going on, you will know that there are always cement block makers around. and they heap their cement blocks in nice stacks that just makes you wanna piss on it. I honestly dont know what is relaxing about this manner of pissing but im sure it works for those it works for. Theres usually a small game you play when Block pissing. You try to test the tensile strenght of the block by pissing on one particular spot and seeing how much of the block material you can displace. Maybe create a small hole if the block is made from 2% cement and 98% sand. In a way we men are helping our fellow men check to see if their block makers are cheating them.

3, THE GRASS PISS
grass piss.gif
EVERY MAN has grass pissed in his life time. there’s no shame in it. Grass pissing is just amazing. With the wind in your air, smell of grass in your nostrils and the grass bowing to the power of your piss. The game we used to play as grass-pissing kids was to try to bend or break blades of elephant grass with our piss. it was a very jolly game tho.

4,THE TREE PISS
tree piss.gif
Tree Pissing is awesome. You get to drown ants and make patterns on trees. you also get to see if you can make it through the peeing process without missing the target tree. The women would appreciate men that tree piss well because they aim very well and dont piss all over the place in the house.

5, THE SAND PISS.
sand
Look, i dont know who you are, and i dont really care but if you have not pissed on sand as a man…. you have not lived. REALLY?? You’re trying to tell me you haven’t tried to draw power rangers with your piss on sand? or draw smiley face? How did you grow up? where did you grow up? what is wrong with you? Im done… im just dont. im not going to take this sitting down |
Im done

ANYWAY, There are other parts of pissing that men will not allow me to talk about because most of us have outgrown some of them. Like the piss sword fight, or the trajectory pissing game. but its all good. We’ve all grown up now and have been tamed by our wives and girlfriends to piss in containments. THEY HAVE CONTAINED OUR PISSING TALENTS.
most of us are now aware of the toilet seat, in fact, some of us now sit down to piss for the sake of piss…. but whatever the case be for you, whatever your partner has done to tame you, just know that the feeling you get when you release hot piss after holding it for a while is next to none… keep pissing away your sorrows…..
If you’re mad, Piss
if you’re broke, Piss
If you’re happy, Piss
If you’re confused, Piss
Piss solves everything
Piss should be PRESIDENT.

 

(When i was looking for pissing pictures on the internet, i saw a lot of naked people pissing. i had to start filtering the words i used for the search to find the appropriate pictures. LMAO… the most akward thing happened. As i did the first search that brought up the naked pissers, a colleague of mind just walked to my desk. LMAO, i tried to close the page but it was too late. She just walked away without talking about it. lmao. So Shame. I have suffered for you all. I hope she gets to read this so i can vindicate my Pious self… LMAO) **walks away piously**

Being Captain Chicks (A guide to learning how to be smooth with women)


You…
Yes i mean you…
I mean You….
The one reading this post…
Stop acting like you dont know i’m talking to you….
Yes I’m talking to you…
So you want to become a ladies man….
You want to be chasing girls up and down…
You want to be a smooth criminal eh?
So thats how you are now….
you’ve joined bad gang ba?
Captain chicks,
Saving the souls of the sisters in church,
Sister Amaka in the Choir will not hear word because you are around,
You will not let the sisters rest….
Continue…
Continue….
Issokay… Issokay….
I will just help you because thats the kind of person i am.
Oya pick biro and paper.

How to Become Captain Chicks:
Tip 1,
Have a couple of clean white singlets:
Everybody knows that babes dig a guy with white singlet on…. its just simple to understand… and while you’re at it, throw a couple of white pants with that… now you’re wearing all white like a student at baptist academy. You’re moving forward… girls like guys that are in school.

Tip 2,
Buy Gold chain:
See, if you don’t have a gold chain, i don’t know how you’re still alive, nothing attracts chicks more than a shiny gold chain. I’m telling you. Take it from an expert.

Tip 3,
Must be a musical artist:
See eh, if you don’t know how to rap or sing, just forget it, you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life.luckily for you, it can be taught. call me. I will give you extra lessons on being an artiste in Nigeria. I don’t need to tell you that babes love musicians. look at 2face, psquare… i don’t even need to say much.

Tip 4,
Dress the part:
One or two baggy jeans and a face cap should do it.

Tip 5,
Blow Phoneh,
The need for this cannot be over emphasized. Babes love guys that blow phoneh, if you want to learn, just watch a lot of movies and try to copy how they speak. practice makes perfect.

These few points alone are enough to make you the King of chicks. Ive taught you too much. Call me for more advice.

You’ll be paying for extra advice though, this one is free.

Cheers.

Ex-Captain Chicks

Welcome to PAPA’s (we treat you just like family)


So the other day i was feeling hungry so i decided to go to eat out.
I can cook but…. oh well…. Not today.
I called up my nephew Kabiru and was like
“dude, you know any cool places i can have dinner?”
He began to name the usual suspects
“Jevnik, Wakkis, Marcopolo, Sinoni, Charcoal….”
Im like
“Been there, done that…. I need somewhere new, Somewhere Exciting, Somewhere different….. Somewhere that has not been done by me or my cohorts”
That was when he went like
“OMG how could i forget? Theres this new place called PAPA’s. Their motto is ‘We treat you just like you’re Family’. You should try it. Ill send you directions”
Happily i entered my car and started driving towards papa’s. I was first greeted by an old man at the gate who just looked at me and said
“Come, you don’t know how to greet?”
Hian, I wanted to start ranting about how customer service in Nigeria was shitty but i realised i was too hungry for that.
“Good evening Sir” i muttered as he swung the gates open.
I was just too damn hungry to be bothered by this old man at the gate.
I walked into the restaurant and indeed it was homely…. i mean literally homely….. Couches, a dining table, a fridge sitting in the corner, children watching cartoon network.
“How realistic” I said to myself, “I could actually Live here” as i sat down at the dining table.
“HEYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, Excuse me…..” A middle aged man shouted at me, as he walked up to the table.
He was dressed as a waiter… i had seen him as i entered…. and was about to call for him for a warm cloth to clean my hands… but he sounded like…. like… HE KNEW ME….
“Oh… Oh…. So you think that because you are now rich, you can now afford to pay N3000 for a plate of food in a fancy restaurant, You will now show up anytime you want? Oh so now you’re now puffed up, because you’re the rich one in the family eh? Jus Negodu”
I was like ……
“Excuse me sir, but ….. do i know you?”
“Haaaa….. EVERYBODY COME AND SEE O” He lamented, while clapping his hands and motioning for the others in the room to come.
” Just because he (pointing at me) has now made small money, he wont call us, he wont send letters, he wont send money for our parents, he wont even visit us so we can know how he’s doing, we are not even talking about inviting us to the big city to see his house… instead he will just show up without calling and start forming that he doesnt know us…. Look brother, We dont need your money again. We have brother Chinedu who sends us money from china” He lamented at the top of his voice.
“HIAN, What the hell is going on here? I don’t even know you people!”
“Ahhhh you my son that sucked on these breasts” A middle aged woman appeared from No where, holding her breasts. She was dressed like a cook, with a hat and apron.
“Oh my God!” I lamented “Im so sorry, but i think there is a mixup somewhere”
The woman broke down and started crying
I moved closer to comfort her
“Im so sorry ma, i think you may be mistaking me with someone else” I said softly
“DONT TOUCH OUR MOTHER, You have already disowned her.. are you trying to kill her also?” The middle aged man barked at me.
“Get out” He screamed “JUST GET THE HELL OUT, WE DONT WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN, WE DISOWN YOU.”
He also broke down crying.
“Awww Hell no” i said out loud “This is waaay too much for me to deal with”
I picked up my phone from the table and headed out to my car, as i started reversing. I looked at the restaurant again, and all of them stood at the doorway, The Middle aged man, The middle aged woman, the children, the security man…. and some others i didnt meet…
“THANKS FOR COMING TO PAPAs, where we treat you just like you’re family”
They kept chanting this and waving to me as i drove out of the gate and away from there thinking WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO ME?
Oh and about the hunger?
There was no way i was eating anything anymore that night.
I went to bed hungry.

 

The $500million question


So i hear one new $500million was found in somebody’s account in relation to the Arms fraud case.
Hmmmm….
My Brethren….
Somehow i dont know how to breathe….
How can you just wake up in the morning to a bright and shiny day.
Enter your car
Reach office
Eat breakfast
Next thing
Beep Beep…. Message on your phone
you pick up
Bank Alert
$500million
AND YOU DIDNT DIE????
If i carry my phone and see $1m alert first, i will just develop asthma immediately
Talk more of $10m
$10m can give somebody stroke na.
You will just pick up the phone and see the alert and the hand wont even be able to come down to your side again.
Thats how one guy in Ondo state won Baba Ijebu lotto for 5Million
The news got to his family house first and he wasnt at home
The family immediately got police and arrested the man
when he got there, he started pleading
“Ejoooo, what did i do? please somebody should tell me EJOOOO”
Only for his father to say
“Dare, You won Baba Ijebu N5million”
Of course Dare first fainted.
And the father exclaimed
“This is the reason why you are locked up in a police station. If we had told you in the house, you would have run mad and taken to the streets. At least we can manage your shock here”
True story

Me i think by the time they finish arresting all the people linked to these fraud cases, the number of people living in asokoro and maitama will remain 5.
You will ask a security man
“ah ah who lives in Number 5?”
“Hes in Jail”
“Who lives in number 6 to 10 nko?”
“Hes in jail also, infact this whole area like this, they are all in jail…..”

But you that is reading this…. What will you do if you recieve alert of $500million
Its dollars o not Naira.
What will be your first reaction?

 

 

Changes


Hi guys,

Ive been spending much time designing my new website so i havent really been able to write anything lately.
ive also been dealing with the comments section on the website.
i hear people are finding it hard to drop comments because of the authorization feature.
so….
IVE TAKEN IT OUT.
please feel free to drop your comments without restrictions moving forward.
Looking forward to tommorow’s post…..
Probably something about Arsenal Vs Barcelona’s game tonight….
scary stuff