The curse of “six taps”


I remember the first day i resumed at boarding school, its not a very good memory.
In summary, i got into a physical fight with one of my roomies cos he called me a “fag” (Back then the word fag was quite new as an insult…. infact it was one of the highest insults one could recieve.) i replied him by saying he was a “Goat fag”.
I honestly don’t know how goat fagging works but well i hear these days that people have taken being gay into another level and entered bestiality. I mean…. whats wrong with all the women in the world? How would you look over a thousand woman and then start looking for men…. wait…. that wasnt enough for you…. you now decided to look for goats??…. How would it even work? Is the goat turned on at some point? what positions will you take? This is a very confusing thought….
Sorry I digressed again…..
Remember how i used to digress a lot back then (in my earlier posts)?, Omg i could digress for Africa mehn but i think all that has changed now. I’m a better person. I hardly digress at all.
why i remember the conversation i had with my friend recently and i stayed on topic all through the conversation…. i was so impressed with myself. Towards the end of the conversation i had to point it out to the guy that he must have noticed that i did not digress once through out the conversation, not like the last time we tried to talk. Omg that was the wrongest conversation ever. We started talking about Politics and ended up trying to figure out who started the shoe lace trend.
Anyway, my point is that i dont digress anymore.
Ok back to my pre-digression story
Yea so i fought with this guy, and then i missed out on lunch cos the food sucked, as if that was not enough, i went and got myself caught by some senior students who sent me to fetch water for them at “6 taps”

6 taps: 6taps was a region in the school btw the over head reservoir and the common room. The ground was very slippery owing to all the algae and grass that had accumulated there over the years. 6taps was the major water distribution channel for the whole school. Seeing as the pipes leading to all the hostels were all vandalized, the only option for students was to make the long walk from wherever their hostels were to the dreaded 6taps to get water.

Now, the problem was not just going to 6taps, it was more that there were senior students always hanging around the area like hungry vultures looking for who to prey on. Their eyes kept roaming to and fro, scrutinizing every Junior student that was on pilgrimage to the taps, looking to see if they could forcefully engage the services of one of these students to be their minion for a period of time.
For us the junior students at the time, our only excuse was to create a pseudonym that we were in bondage to. for example, a typical conversation between a senior student and a minor at sixtaps would go like this,

“Oi that boy, run down here”
junior boy runs down
“Take this bucket, go and fetch me water”
(gaddemit ur just a few feet from the taps, how lazy can you be? i have just walked kilometers to this place and you cant just take a few steps to get your own damn water?? tueh) “Sorry but a senior sent me”
“Are you mad? Did i ask if a senior sent you? I said take this bucket and get me water”
“But excuse me senior, hes just there (Points to a reasonable distance) and he’s waiting for me”
“Who is the person that sent you”
“Senior Okpaks”
“Okpaks sent you? and you cant get me water?…..***SLAP***…..Drop that bucket here, carry my bucket and go get me water Immediately”
Now see, most of you must be thinking OMG how could he just slap the junior student like that. BUT what you dont understand is that because the senior has acknowledged that there is a “senior Okpaks” (even though you made it up), He will release you on time because he believes you are a minion to someone else already. Even if that someone else is not on the same level of authority with him.
So its better you get a slap and freedom than no slap and becoming a minion to someone you dont want work for.
On this particular case though, this guy made me carry his water to his bedroom then marched me to a guy named “okpaks” and asked
“Okpaks, na you send this urchin?”
“No be me o, i dont know him” Okpaks replied
“Im dead” I said in my head
“Oboy, your own don finish” the senior said to me
“from now on you are a minion to both I and Okpaks, you are to report here every day after classes to take orders, God help you if i look for you”

………. well i never said my method works ……..
Life as a Junior Student in a Federal Government boarding house SUCKS….

The Story about the princess and the frog


Sometimes i sit and wonder why i am the way i am……
You see ***adjusts chair and brings out pipe…. takes a few puffs…. scratches groin… pulls out underwear from its akwardly lodged position…. smells finger….***
I happen to be a rather extreme individual.
You need to see me on a happy day. I LOVE TO PLAY. i refuse to accept any sadness around me. You must smile.
You need to see me on a not-happy day. I DONT WANT TO SEE ANYBODY. Just wanna be by myself…. well i secretly crave for attention from my friends but they never show up and i get more and more upset…. then after a while i snap back to reality.
You know how one day everything is perfect and then all of a sudden you’re upset and you’re not even sure what is upsetting you?
Maybe you recieved a call from your girlfriend and she says shes not coming to see you today,
Maybe your last 1k fell into the car seat and you cannot find any other way to get it out except you tear the seat (I swear i hate it when anything falls by the side of my car seat…. my hands can never reach it),
Maybe you just cant find what to wear, or maybe some girl you like is now dating someone else but you cant complain because you’re the king of the friend-zone,
Maybe you ate yoruba rice and pepper stew with asun and you just took a shit and now your ass is burning.
Maybe you are at work and you tried to release a small fart but then some shit came out and you have to find a way to get home and fix that (recall you have to wipe everywhere you go cos gaddemit man, you just freaking shit yourself)
Maybe one small geh that is all about herself just insulted you and you’re like “Ahhhh aye mi o, na me be dis?”
Maybe you just started a “knitting for men” class and your instructor keeps yelling
“NOOO you are not knitting from your soul, you’re knitting like you just want people to like you… knit from your heart”
and you go like
“YOU KNOW WHAT? screw you and your knitting class, i dont need this shit”
and your instructor is like
“YES YES…. Let the rage out…. Knit that rage”
…………… I …. i cant even explain what the last example was all about

Sorry wait what are we talking about again?…. chill let me read up……

Ehen…

You know how all these things just happen all of a sudden?? you know??? please tell me you know….. You know right??

Yea thats right i bought a new set of cutlery…..

FIN

(N.B. This is the worst write up ever in the history of write ups…. i dont even know what the topic was about….. as in…. what was i supposed to gain from this? is there a protagonist? is this supposed to teach me something? What the hell is happening? am i having a stroke??
YESSS….. YESSS….. Let the Confusion out….. Blog that…..)

i need help

ABIKU


Im-At-The-ATM

It’s a scary story for some and for some it’s just plain frustrating. I can’t begin to tell you how annoying it is to me anytime I have to use “Abiku”. Wait, I should have started from the beginning.

My name is Johnson Everyman and I work for a multinational development agency. I totally love working here not really about the amount of work that needs to be done, but because of the amazing people I get to work with.
Just like in every other office, here we also have the Steamrollers, Lemmings, The Professors, Jabber-Walkers, and definitely the-perfectly-suited-for-you individuals. Today is not the day in which I shall go into describing all these characters and i agree that 90% of the categories I mentioned are negative but what can I say? They do exist.

Moving on….

Owing to the nature of work and the size of the organization in which I work, one of the old generation banks decided (out of their freewill, marketing goals and willingness to please their customers) to install an ATM machine somewhere in the building.
I remember the first day the machine was installed, It was joy all over the complex, there was rejoicing, people sang and jumped for joy, some ladies wept, some people were so overcome with emotion that they ordered champagne and bottles were popped. It was a joyous day. I cant begin to tell you how I felt personally about this new development.
The closest ATM machine at the time was some streets away and it was considered a long walk seeing as there’s always so much work to do here. People usually just waited till the end of the day to do their bank transactions and hope that by the time they get to the ATM machine it wouldn’t read “Out of Service”.
It was dark times back then, really dark times.
I remember this particular day, I closed late from work and started the long and arduous walk down to the ATM machine, on this blessed day, my car had refused to work so I had left it at home. I had called the mechanic Ade to go to the house and do the necessary repairs which he had done. Ade had called me earlier to come back home with his money seeing as he spent the whole day at my house fixing my car so I had to (by all means) get some money for Ade.
I walked down the dark street that housed the machine only to get there and it was out of service. I remember clearly sitting on the floor thinking of where to get money to go home and to give Ade. To cut a long story short, I had to walk back to the office, did an offering collection for the security guards. The good ol’ chaps emptied their pockets and I had just enough. I obviously went to the bank early in the morning then paid back their monies with interest.

Moving on……

The ATM machine installed in the office was a beauty to behold, it was covered in bright colours and was an eye catcher, it played beautiful songs and dispensed only mint-condition (freshly printed) notes, it gave you a receipt for every transaction and all was well with the world. In fact, after your transaction, the machine would thank you and wish you a lovely day.

The case is not the same today. Abiku (as it’s generally called by the staff and visitors to my organisation) has become a nightmare. She just sits there dispensing to whomever she feels like, most times she doesn’t even dispense at all. The bank had to employ someone specifically to show up at our organisation every day to service Abiku but this has not helped matters. Abiku has become a terror to our organisation. Sometimes she allows you go through the process of inputting your PIN and requesting cash before she shuts down and says she’s out of service, sometimes I think there’s also a problem with the voice function on the machine because some of the words are now slurred and they sound like insults. Abiku steals money from almost everybody these days, you try to withdraw twenty thousand and she gives you ten, the other ten goes to her pocket (I still don’t know how she does it). This is very frustrating because it takes the bank up to 7days sometimes to refund your money.

Reports have come in that sometimes when you pass by Abiku, she hisses and spits. Other reports say she has become really touchy and hates to be touched by anyone. She is allergic to people, she is allergic to beef (don’t even ask me), She is allergic to people wearing glasses, she’s short tempered and has a really short fuse.

If you think that is not bad enough, the other day, Abiku shot me in the arm………….

 

(pls feel free to drop comments and read some of my older posts….. :) )

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i just need to rant for a bit


remember that proverb or saying or riddle or joke that says, “you are in a boat with your wife and mother, the boat is sinking and you have the power to save one person, which of them will you save?” 
Yea i found myself in something similar this year, dilemma is a real bitch (Pardon my language). Can you believe that almost seven months after, my “mother and my wife “are still in that sinking boat? somehow i just swam to shore and sat somewhere watching and hoping one or both of them would follow my footsteps and swim to shore like i did. shey they say what a man can do, a woman can do better eh?

Common, i love “both women” equally well and id do anything for them but you see….. I guess i went silent on both.

Annoying both parties seemed to be the best way out. instead i went underground.

what is the point of all this? I have no idea. 

I just needed to let steam out and i have. since i have noone to talk to these days about shit like this, id rather just vent to this bloody diary. 

Dont ask questions…. i do not have the answers.

dont do drugs

dont drink and drive.

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN…. (Edited)


Found this somewhere on facebook and had to edit it to my locality

Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was… on the first month of premier league that i met her, let’s see…Arsenal has 54 points on the table, chelsea has 62, there are how many matches left again??

And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: Haa i dont think we can clinch premier league this year dammit, unless chelsea looses all their matches which we know wont happen…. Mourinho no go gree…. WENGER SHA… shit

And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: And next season he wont still buy players, what is wrong with that guy.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Maybe i should start thinking of changing clubs, or ill just focus on another league for a while….

“Fred,” Martha says aloud.

“What?” says Fred, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Fred.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Fred.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Fred.

“That way about time,” says Martha.

“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Plantain chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a Arsenal vs Chelsea that he recorded on his PVR. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major is going on in the arsenal camp and changes are gonna be made at the end of the season, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing FIFA13 one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before kick off, frown, and say: “Hey, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women

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2013 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,000 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 33 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My first interview


It was a Tuesday morning, I had applied to XXX company for the position of I.T. Administrator two weeks ago and they had called me yesterday to come for a brief interview at their office. The interview was slated for 10am but I was there by 7am.
“what harm can coming early possibly do?” I asked myself, plus I was a nervous wreck since this was my first interview ever in life. I had asked myself all the possible questions I could think of, I had gone on the internet, read books and any other thing I could lay my hand on. I made it a point of duty to read one self help book everyday.
Stocked up in my book library, I had read:
Taking Control ,
Be your own man,
How to fire your boss,
Look up in the sky… it’s a bird… it’s a plane… no its you,
You can make it,
Swallow your spit,
No more crap,
No more no more crap (which is no more crap part2),
I believe,
stand strong,
where do you see yourself in 5 years,
bold and confident,
bones,
stronger,
you are your own superman,
superman 2,
superman 3,
superman returns,
whatever you want,
if I think it I can be it,
being serious in serious matters,
Joblessness is serious business…….
And couple more books I really can’t remember. Bottom line, I wanted to ACE this interview.
I had been jobless for 2 years so I was more than excited about this. I HAD TO GET THIS JOB.
I arrived the office at about quarter to 7am and met the gates locked. I knocked. And a small square that was cut into the gate was flung open. A male face popped up at the other side.
“ehen? Who I dey find” He asked
“I’m here for an interview” I replied showing him my letter.
“ehh nobody she never come. Which time I tell me make I come fa?” He asked as he pulled out a chewing stick from somewhere in his long overflowing sleeping gown and started chewing it with reckless abandon.
I paused for a minute to wonder what teeth he was brushing with the stick seeing as he had about 4 front teeth left and they were brown with decay.
“10 o’clock, but I decided to come early” I replied him finally
“Ehen, Make I wait am for outside” He said and closed the metal flap of the gate.
I looked around and found a nice spot to stand while watching cars drive past.
Two and half hours later, a skinny girl in her early twenties walked up to the gate and knocked. The flap flew open again, no words were exchanged, and the gate opened. Before she could go in, I stopped her briefly
“My name is John everyman, I’m here for the interview”
“Ehh” she replied as though disgusted by my presence “you have to wait with everybody else. The interview is for 10am” and she went in, she didn’t even look at me as she almost literarily spat the words out of her mouth……………..
Okay I know you are waiting for the end of this post…. There is no end…. I got bored so I started writing. Now I’m no longer bored. If you want to finish the post for me please feel free to do that in the comments section. As you can see I haven’t damaged the story yet…. Its still fresh and there’s so much potential… hehehehe ahahahahahahaha I can be that annoying. Oya sorry.

One of those random days


I have not blogged in donkey years, i dont know why, i think ive been preoccupied with different things….. we will find out someday.

So today i woke up very slowly and got to the office by 10 (Look these things happen…. i work hard, i sleep hard also… dont judge me Matt 7:7 KJV)
got to the office and had the following conversation on facebook…… 

“Hi Margaret”
“Hi Who is this?”
“My name is Ceejay Scratch Brovaman, used to be in Platoon 10, go thru my profile jo, if you dont remember me then ill just jump off a bridge”
“Lool C ur head, Hows everything”
“OMG whats wrong with my head???? is it no more…. like a head??? does it now look like…. feet??? need to do something about this”
“Hahahahahaha Hw z abj?”
“well abuja is a city located in the middle belt part of nigeria dominated mostly by hausas but that trend is changing now….theres everybody”
“Ur so funny”
“I am??? omg i had no idea nobody told me”
“Hahahaha Cj Hw z evrytin”
“well everything is everything, im guessing u think everything is something right? well somehow everything is something but its more the fact that everything is made up of little somethings. people would think somethings are made of nothing but thats just preposterous.”

CLICK
 
 
 
 

This form of life


Saw this Ridiculous form online and though i should share. Im sure many of you have seen it.. but im storing it here for record purposes. Kudos to whoever wrote this.

APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
FILL THE FORM IN OWN HANDWRITING AND IN BLOCK LETTERS.
I, _________ , hereby apply tomarry your daughter Sir.I am _____ years old.
Please answer the following questions honestly.

1. Do you go to church? Yes/No
2. Do you have a degree or diploma?Yes/No.
3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No.
4. Are you working? Yes/No.
5. Do you have a car? Yes/No.

If your answer to any of the above questions was NO, do not continue. Leave my house and don’t look back. If all your answers were YES, then continue.

1. In 50 words or more, describe the disadvantages of cheating in marriage._________
2. With the aid of a diagram, explain how you can give respect to your father in-law or mother in-law.
3. Suppose your wife says, “honey, I need money for my hair at the saloon”, what would you answer____________
4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce_____________
5. What does the term ‘good husband’ mean to you____________
6. Do you have both dad and mum?Yes/No. If No, explain why?
7. Were your parents legally married? Yes/No. If YES, for how long? If the time of their marriage is less than your age, explain why you were born out of wedlock.
8. Explain the meaning of ”COME HOME EARLY” as used by women.(100 words)
9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to sleep outside his house.
10. In case of divorce, who do you think is the owner of the kids between father and mother?
Answer the following by Yes or No.
1. Do you drink alcohol? Yes/No.
2. Do you smoke? Yes/No.
3. Are you short-tempered?Yes/No.

LAST PART, BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT.
1. When can you be free for interviews? _______
2. When can be the best time to interview your dad _______
3. When can I interview your mum____________
4. When can I interview your church pastor.
5. Please stick your passport size photo below, which will be put in newspaper to check if you have other girlfriends.

Sign here: _______Sign again:_______

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That is how i died of laughter



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