That one day when EVERYTHING went wrong.

Yesterday I woke up excited.


It was the day I was going to get paid. I had been waiting for my salary for two weeks and HR sent us an email the day before saying “Salaries shall be paid tomorrow”.

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I quickly had a bath, brushed my teeth and ran downstairs to the mallam across the road to down breakfast before I hit the office. “Mai shai, bani indomie biyu da kwai biyu. Kawai, ka bawa kowa anan kwai biyu da indomie biyu. Zan baka nna dawo daga aiki”  (Tea seller, give me 2 indomie and 2 eggs, in fact, give everybody here 2 indomie and two eggs, I will pay when I come back from work)


The three other people waiting to order were so excited and burst into claps and chants of “chairman”……. I WAS PROUD. SMALL MONEY…… SMALL STUFF……. BIG MAN…… make I just collect that salary today. Dem go hear am.


After breakfast, I headed to work and as I was crossing the road into the building, my phone dropped from my hand in the middle of traffic, just as the light turned green. I tried to kick the phone out of the way but it got stuck under the tyre of a trailer who just ran over it comfortably without any remorse. I don’t need to tell you that this was the end of my phone.


New UK Used Phone: N30,000 ………… (because I don’t use iPhone like you fake iPhone users that because you now have iPhone, somebody will not rest. The worst one is the iPhone users that put one airpod in their ear and be walking up and down like its a fashion statement. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUU, you look like a pre-term Dennis Rodman)…….


(Sorry I lost my train of thought. but really iPhone users suck…. yes I said it…. I’m in my house, come and beat me)…….

( I wont mind getting an iPhone if you decide to buy for me though…. I promise I wont put an ear pod in one ear like a total douche…..)…..
(its not poverty that is worrying me…..I…. I just….. its just the way my bank account is set up, you see there’s the checking and the savings and it takes like 3-5 working days…… yeah…… so yeah…..)


You know what? its just a damn iPhone, I’m not even interested. Blackberry for life baby.)
….. Yes I use a blackberry, is it your business? I still subscribe for BIS. I have no shame in my game. BIS rocks. I aint doing all that iPhone crap with y’all.

Gaddemit where was I?

I’m lost……..

Oh yeah, I got to work real mad, broken phone, Snagged my pants on a bus while trying to save my phone in traffic, the tear was in a very conspicuous place, my briefs are quite visible. I got to work late, a meeting I had for 2pm was moved to 8am and I was walking into the office by 9:45. My boss was fuming. I lost a sale contract, cost the company a couple of millions.


To make things even worse, I kept a painting above my desk, a colleague came in to console me about the bad day I was having. The painting fell and gave her a deep cut in the neck. Had to rush her to the hospital to get stitches. Got back to the office and my colleagues tyre had gone down (same colleague I almost decapitated with my painting), in a bid to fix it, my back gave out. Had to lie on the ground for roughly 30 mins…. on the hot gravel….looking up at the blazing hot sun, burning my iris and pupils to charcoal.

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Only for me to get into the office and HR sends another email saying “Apologies, but salaries will not be paid today. sorry for the inconvenience”. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
After I have collected ‘gbese’ from Mallam Musa? As in, Who will now pay?  I should kill myself? How will I go home? I don’t have any money? Have my village people finally won?


Have my village people finally won?…………..

Have my village people………….

Good morning


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