Dear Future Wife,
Im not sure if i should be writing this but i really dont care right now, since its barely 2am and sleep has eluded me because im trying to place a face and a body on the silouetted figures of both of us living together for the rest od our lives. I hope you get to read this letter before you say yes to me when i show up to toast you in my oversized purple suit and leopard skin shoes with an artificial flowers in my hand and my first comment is ”nne maka why nu? When i first saw you, i was kujad, mpkuru obim was mapkus”. Well incase u just pictured the same kind of death i pictured for the guy above, feel free to execute me in such a manner. Wether it be by stonning or just puttin my neck under the gullotine.
Anyway, i just want to make somethings clear.
1, one thing you should never ave a doubt about is my faithfulness to you. Even if u looked like cinderella and then Godforbid u had an accident that made u look like shrek, id still love u no doubt cos i know our kids would make up for the lost beauty. If we cant have kids, we’ll go to unilag and find some prerry young girl who just got knocked up and adopt her baby.
2, id do everything in my power to make you happy and comfortable but i will not catch a grenade for you, neither will i cross the ocean for u inside canoe, i could fly across in a plane but i aint paddling no where, if na so d love do u, u sef try paddle come na.
3, my biggest goal with you is to make us bestest friends ever, inshort we will define the term BFF, not like those 15yr olds that pick a new bff anytime they see their freaking period. Meanwhile, this is not communual BFF o, its just u and i sharing secrets, not you i and ur great grandmother or ur best girlfriend… Infact (on d downlow… We go dey even gossip our best guy/gf’s sef) lol
4, Our family comes first, and please can we eat out like once or twice a week? I like to cook on saturdays sometimes so well, look forward to some awesome meals some saturdays.
5, the day i wake u up from sleep to gaan pound yam for me at 2am in the morning pls use pestle to break my head. U wont go to jail.
6, when u notice im not talking or excited around u, then something is bugging me. Pls ask,
7, once in a while i might ask u objective questions like: do u love me? (A),yes (b), a (c) b. And u better gimme an answer before i tickle u to death
8, i totally love to cuddle so if i ask u to come close so we can talk and cuddle, pls do for the luv of me.
Well there might be more but well my brain has issues functioning at max capacity early in the morning. I have a load of ex’s, some i still love and hard a hard time gettin over (like karma, and sometimes i even wish we could still date), and i know u must have a history too, but i believe we will drop these burdens as we get more and more familiar with each other.
So far so good, its been a rather short and direct letter, see you in 2yeas max. Lool MUAH.
P.s incase u perchance do not get this letter, pls return it…. Thank u