Letter to my unborn child….

Sweetheart,
i know you are wondering why i am writing this to you but considering the fact that i you may have 13 other siblings i just want to make you feel special first before the others come.
First and foremost, please if you do not look like the child in the picture, do not bother coming out of your mother, you might as well just live there till you are old and gray or better still you can come out of her as shit…. i wont mind….
second i hope you realise that you are coming into a mans world and you will have to learn how to do a lot of stuff you dont want to do without asking “WHY”. apparently this question has no answer these days.
i have taken the liberty to write a couple of things you need to learn before you leave the womb so life would be easier for you out here in the cold world. i have also compressed this list to a PDF format and i have printed and swallowed it so that my sperm can start learning these things even before they get to your mother (who is unknown at the time of writing this post)’s egg. thats how much i luv you darling…. preparing your studies even before you become a concept…. teaching the figments of my imagination to become the scholar i could never be….smh…. how intesnsely saavy.
Darling, dont be like me…. i have been a rover, i have been with sooo many women. the funny thing is people see me as a star because of this…. this is because i am a man…. if you try it…. (first do not come back home cos i have a gun) and second you will be labeled with words like slut, ho, whore, ashy, ashana, ashawo, ashaka, ashaka waka, call girl, booty call, one night, speeddial, happy hour, and some other words that the youth of these days seem to make up every passing day. smh
baby you shall encounter a lot of annoying people and since you are the fruit of my loins (who says that anymore?? who says fruit of my loins anymore? yea i know theres fruit of the loom, and theres fruits now replacing mobile products like the apple and blackberry but fruit of my loins…. is just like someone calling a babe a damsel…really are we in the 1700’s? infact someone in the 1700’s would think you were in the 1500’s but what really happened in teh 1500’s nobody really talks about that time? have you ever even thought of how people started making things like clothes and shoes and stuff?? who invented these things?? how did the person invent these things?? how did….. wait..i am digressing again…smh)..you shall take out your angers and frustrations the way i do…. by either cleaning or cooking or taking a walk in the woods….
a great man once sed…. “i came to the woods because i wanted to live deliberately and see if i could learn what it had to teach and not when i came to die….discover that i had not lived…” i have no idea what that has to do with anything… figure it out.
well i guess after reading this letter you will be closer to your mother than you are to me… what gives?
at least i tried….
sincerely
daddy…. (who loves you more than that stupid boy that will come to toast you when your 16 and you will think he loves you but AT ALL… the boy is just a vagabond…. inshort you are grounded till your 21)…the end
P.s i may be looking for my sweater when you are like 14 i hope you are the one that took it and put it in the washing machine… i also hope you didnt put it with other colours cos it washes out….
P.P.S oh i found the sweater….i was actually wearing it… old age