Christmas is coming

While everyone is working hard to make enough spending money for the holidays coming in three months, I, on the other hand have been having momentous epiphanies on stupid things to do this year for my celebrations.

On top of my list (and i definitely have to do this cos well…. its Christmas baby! and when else can i do this?) would be to take a salt shaker, Curry shaker, Thyme Shaker, Maggi Cubes, Pepper Shaker, One nutmeg, two cloves of garlic, some cinnamon and a bottle of soy sauce, Line them all up right in front of my door, Take a clear picture with my camera and post it with the caption. “Seasons Greeting”

Half of you wont get the joke but i’m already unbothered cos as you can already tell, i’m doing this for my own amusement and to be honest i’m chuckling as i write this at the dental hospital.

Actually, I was at the dentist trying to figure out whats going on with my teeth cos I’ve been having terrible pains lately. like i usually don’t have tooth issues. If anything i have great teeth. they aren’t as white as i would love them to be but they are good enough. This is why this trip to the dentist was quite peculiar to me. It was my first.

Anyway, i had lain in the dental chair after going through the lady at the reception who is a perfect description of every black nurse in every hospital in every hollywood movie. You know that black sassy nurse? The one that doesn’t look up while handing you a form and repeating the “black nurse in every movie association phrase”?…. you know the one im talking about…….. the “Fill the form and sit down till a doctor is ready to meet you” phrase? ………Yeah that one……. That’s the nurse that was on duty today.

Anyway, i had gone through that and it was my turn in the chair. The white ninja dentist (white overalls, white mask, white cap) was like “Say Ahhh!” and i did. And after poking around for a while, he put some numbing cream on my teeth, turned to drop his utensils and said
“Hey, what you got is anormal cavity” im like
“oh cool. so the cavity is normal. What does this mean though?”
the doctor was like “huh, I said you have ENAMEL CAVITY. ENAMEL! ENAMEL!! E-N-A-M-E-L, not A NORMAL”
Im like “I honestly thought you were Ghanaian”
My mouth was numb though from all the numbing cream so i couldn’t enunciate myself well…. but oh well…. it was just a regular English pun-like situation and not a math one. cos while most puns make me feel numb, Math puns make me feel number.

See what i did there??

The Punisher

World Bank Auction 2019

The World Bank Office Abuja: Auction Sale Of Vehicles, Generator And Other Items

The World Bank

Notice! Notice!! Notice!!!
Vehicles, Generator And Other Items For Sale

The World Bank Office in Abuja will conduct an auction sale on Saturday May 4, 2019 of fairly used vehicles (2009, 2010 and 2012 Toyota Land Cruisers and 2009 Toyota Camry), fairly used generator (100KVA) and other items such as refrigerators, air conditioners, water dispensers, etc. as follows:

VENUE: No. 102 Yakubu Gowon Crescent, Asokoro, Abuja
DATE: Saturday, May 04, 2019
TIME: From 8:00am to 1:00pm

THE PROCESS:
1. Inspection of Items: The lots for auction will be available for inspection at the venue of the auction sale between 10:00am and 4:00pm on Friday, May 03, 2019 and from 8:00am to 12 noon on Saturday May 04, 2019
2. Bidding for Items: Bidding for items will be by Sealed Bids starting 8:00 am to 12 noon at no 102 Yakubu Gowon Crescent, Asokoro, Abuja on May 04, 2019
3. Bid Opening: The bids will be opened at 12 noon on Saturday, May 04, 2019

PAYMENT TERMS:
Payments are expected to be made through Bank Transfer or Point of Sale Terminal (POS) made payable to The World Bank, immediately after the winning bids are announced on the following conditions:

A. VEHICLES
1. 40% non-refundable deposit shall be made within 30 minutes for the winning bid. The winning bid will be awarded to the next highest bidder if this condition is not met.
2. The 60% balance payment shall be made within three working days for the winning

bid and failure of which the vehicle and the 40% non-refundable deposit will be forfeited.

B. GENERATOR AND OTHER ITEMS:
Full payments shall be made immediately the winning bid is announced or the item will be awarded to the next highest bidder.

NOTE:
• Items will be sold on “AS IS, WHERE IS” basis with no declaration made of serviceability
• THERE WILL BE NO RETURNS’ AND NO REFUNDS’ MADE
• Where there is a tie, those who tied will be given another opportunity to rebid
• There will be a minimum bid price for every item and bids below the minimum will be rejected
• The vehicles are duty free and so, winners are expected to pay the full Customs Duty and show evidence of such payments before they can collect the vehicle/s.
• Items won and paid for are expected to be removed from their present location on or before 6pm three days after full payments
• Interested and prospective bidders are to pay N200 admission fee in order to gain access for the Inspection and/or Auction Day

SIGNED: MANAGEMENT

That one day when EVERYTHING went wrong.

Yesterday I woke up excited.

It was the day I was going to get paid. I had been waiting for my salary for two weeks and HR sent us an email the day before saying “Salaries shall be paid tomorrow”.

I quickly had a bath, brushed my teeth and ran downstairs to the mallam across the road to down breakfast before I hit the office. “Mai shai, bani indomie biyu da kwai biyu. Kawai, ka bawa kowa anan kwai biyu da indomie biyu. Zan baka nna dawo daga aiki”  (Tea seller, give me 2 indomie and 2 eggs, in fact, give everybody here 2 indomie and two eggs, I will pay when I come back from work)

The three other people waiting to order were so excited and burst into claps and chants of “chairman”……. I WAS PROUD. SMALL MONEY…… SMALL STUFF……. BIG MAN…… make I just collect that salary today. Dem go hear am.

After breakfast, I headed to work and as I was crossing the road into the building, my phone dropped from my hand in the middle of traffic, just as the light turned green. I tried to kick the phone out of the way but it got stuck under the tyre of a trailer who just ran over it comfortably without any remorse. I don’t need to tell you that this was the end of my phone.

New UK Used Phone: N30,000 ………… (because I don’t use iPhone like you fake iPhone users that because you now have iPhone, somebody will not rest. The worst one is the iPhone users that put one airpod in their ear and be walking up and down like its a fashion statement. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUU, you look like a pre-term Dennis Rodman)…….

(Sorry I lost my train of thought. but really iPhone users suck…. yes I said it…. I’m in my house, come and beat me)…….

( I wont mind getting an iPhone if you decide to buy for me though…. I promise I wont put an ear pod in one ear like a total douche…..)…..
(its not poverty that is worrying me…..I…. I just….. its just the way my bank account is set up, you see there’s the checking and the savings and it takes like 3-5 working days…… yeah…… so yeah…..)

You know what? its just a damn iPhone, I’m not even interested. Blackberry for life baby.)
….. Yes I use a blackberry, is it your business? I still subscribe for BIS. I have no shame in my game. BIS rocks. I aint doing all that iPhone crap with y’all.

Gaddemit where was I?

I’m lost……..

Oh yeah, I got to work real mad, broken phone, Snagged my pants on a bus while trying to save my phone in traffic, the tear was in a very conspicuous place, my briefs are quite visible. I got to work late, a meeting I had for 2pm was moved to 8am and I was walking into the office by 9:45. My boss was fuming. I lost a sale contract, cost the company a couple of millions.

To make things even worse, I kept a painting above my desk, a colleague came in to console me about the bad day I was having. The painting fell and gave her a deep cut in the neck. Had to rush her to the hospital to get stitches. Got back to the office and my colleagues tyre had gone down (same colleague I almost decapitated with my painting), in a bid to fix it, my back gave out. Had to lie on the ground for roughly 30 mins…. on the hot gravel….looking up at the blazing hot sun, burning my iris and pupils to charcoal.

Only for me to get into the office and HR sends another email saying “Apologies, but salaries will not be paid today. sorry for the inconvenience”. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
After I have collected ‘gbese’ from Mallam Musa? As in, Who will now pay?  I should kill myself? How will I go home? I don’t have any money? Have my village people finally won?

Have my village people finally won?…………..

Have my village people………….

Good morning

 

Midnight Woes

I want to believe that i have a clear face. I mean i hit puberty in my teens and lived with the zit-life, It wasn’t even that bad for me some of my mates didn’t have regular zits, they were walking with cysts on their faces. Compared to them, i was a normal blooming teenager. I’m in my 30’s now….. One would think i wouldn’t have zits anymore….. I THINK I DON’T HAVE ZITS ANYMORE…….. But when you have a wife who’s past time activity is watching DR. PIMPLE POPPER on TLC, then we have a problem because she spends every waking moment looking for things on my face….. things i believe are non existent.

This basically requires her to pinch my face for hours. while she gets some sort of thrill and maximum relaxation from this horrendous activity, i, on the other hand, suffers a massive amount of pain and gore. And then she has nails…. Dear lord, she has nails. I never knew my face could endure such harassment. All things being equal, I should look like the beast in beauty and the beast by now with all the pummeling my face has received, but we thank God for strong face. I still look like a baby boy.

The other day, i had a refreshingly warm evening bath, i usually don’t like my water too hot (Remind me to ask why my wife loves taking a bath with boiling hot water…. i mean…. is she a chicken?…. oh yeah shes my chick tho…. but i’m not trying to eat her up….. at least not literally….. you know what? lets just allow the hot water thing slide. She’s hot and that’s what is important)

…..errrr….. where was i?….. ah yeah the bath…

So yeah i had this amazing bath, i did it in slow motion of course… have you ever watched a soap ad that happened in real time? NEVER, its always in slow motion…. somewhere at the back of my mind i was singing the ‘joy girl’ song (i’m not a girl, i watched the ad as a kid, it stuck in my brain, there’s nothing anybody can do about it… moving on)…….

After the bath, i ran my towel over my body, looked in the mirror and saw my CLEAR-as-BLUE-SKY face.
“Perfect, just perfect aint no pinching my face tonight” i said to myself. (I don’t think i’m hot, i think i’m just there…. a forgettable face so don’t even bother talking about vanity or narcissism. [damn it, i spelt narcissism right without the use of spell check…. if you know how happy this makes me…. i envy kids that do spelling bees these days….. honestly i cant spell jack anymore.])

i open the bathroom door to get into bed and my wife (who has had a shower earlier) is lying there in bed reading a book ‘Becoming Michelle Obama’. Well, read on Mrs. we gonna have us a calm relaxing restful night with no face disruptions or interruptions in my…….

“unku, you have 13 black heads, 8 cysts, 11 boils and a volcano on your face, come and lie down lemme press”

I looked at her, she did not even look up…..how the hell did….. who told…. where? where????? IS THIS HOW MICHELLE OBAMA BEHAVES???????

I’m in bed, my face is red….. she has slept off with her palm on my face.

 

The best part about living in Switzerland is that the flag is a big plus.

Okay I admit, I’m not sure what direction this post will go. What I’m sure of though is that you will accept me the way I am.
#NowSinging “I aint no superstar, the spotlight aint shining on me (no no no no no) I aint good enough, but you still love me”
Moving on…. I’m going to try to tell 10 jokes in this rant and I’d add one “Oh my goodness I never knew that” moment in there. Your job is to find the jokes and as a bonus, the “Oh my God I never knew that”. There is no prize. what can I give you that will make you a better person than who you are right now? Except Jesus…..

This will be the last time I ever tell a joke and have to explain to all one million of you. This is one of the reasons why I don’t even talk as much anymore. I stand up in a room and crack a joke and nobody gets it….. they are not booing me….. they know there’s a joke in there somewhere….. its sparking but its not connecting yet…… there’s one guy whose left eye is twitching like his brain cannot comprehend the complexity of the joke…. One guy even had the audacity to say “sorry can you like….say the joke again…. i’m not really getting it”…. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? you dropped out of nursery 2!. How can you be in a comedy bar if you’re not ready to process jokes?
you’re like an alligator at a crocodiles conference, you look like one of us but you’re really a backstabbing, wider U-shaped snout having, non-toothy grin flashing reptile. Nobody likes you. Nobody cares about you.
Coming into the comedy bar like a battery….. Everybody else in here gets included in things…..at least you’re better than kleptomaniacs who take things literally…. but none of all that crap in here. Never go to a comedy bar if you’re not ready to take a good joke.
its not even like it was a complicated joke as such, I didn’t even do the Bruce lee joke….. and its so good…. “What is bruce lee’s favourite drink?”…..”Wataaaaaaaaah”…. See how funny that joke was? I did an even simpler joke. I have more complex ones under my belt like the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to santa and ended having to kill vegetarian vampires with a stake to the heart.

I told a really simple joke, I said “A blind man walks into a bar, and a stool, and a table, and a chair…” That was all….

In other news, I kinda just witnessed a prison break…. a midget had climbed the fence and as he jumped down to the other side, he saw me and sneered at me….. I personally think that’s rather condescending.

Im going home.

THE STORY ABOUT THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

Sometimes i sit and wonder why i am the way i am……
You see **adjusts chair and brings out pipe…. takes a few puffs…. scratches groin… pulls out underwear from its akwardly lodged position…. smells finger….**
I happen to be a rather extreme individual.
You need to see me on a happy day. I LOVE TO PLAY. i refuse to accept any sadness around me. You must smile.
You need to see me on a not-happy day. I DONT WANT TO SEE ANYBODY. Just wanna be by myself…. well i secretly crave for attention from my friends but they never show up and i get more and more upset…. then after a while i snap back to reality.
You know how one day everything is perfect and then all of a sudden you’re upset and you’re not even sure what is upsetting you?
Maybe you recieved a call from your girlfriend and she says shes not coming to see you today,
Maybe your last 1k fell into the car seat and you cannot find any other way to get it out except you tear the seat (I swear i hate it when anything falls by the side of my car seat…. my hands can never reach it),
Maybe you just cant find what to wear, or maybe some girl you like is now dating someone else but you cant complain because you’re the king of the friend-zone,
Maybe you ate yoruba rice and pepper stew with asun and you just took a shit and now your ass is burning.
Maybe you are at work and you tried to release a small fart but then some shit came out and you have to find a way to get home and fix that (recall you have to wipe everywhere you go cos gaddemit man, you just freaking shit yourself)
Maybe one small geh that is all about herself just insulted you and you’re like “Ahhhh aye mi o, na me be dis?”
Maybe you just started a “knitting for men” class and your instructor keeps yelling
“NOOO you are not knitting from your soul, you’re knitting like you just want people to like you… knit from your heart”
and you go like
“YOU KNOW WHAT? screw you and your knitting class, i dont need this shit”
and your instructor is like
“YES YES…. Let the rage out…. Knit that rage”
…………… I …. i cant even explain what the last example was all about

Sorry wait what are we talking about again?…. chill let me read up……

Ehen…

You know how all these things just happen all of a sudden?? you know??? please tell me you know….. You know right??

Yea thats right i bought a new set of cutlery…..

FIN

(N.B. This is the worst write up ever in the history of write ups…. i dont even know what the topic was about….. as in…. what was i supposed to gain from this? is there a protagonist? is this supposed to teach me something? What the hell is happening? am i having a stroke??
YESSS….. YESSS….. Let the Confusion out….. Blog that…..)

– Uncle Scratch

Babies are so cute, “They Said”

Look i’m not saying babies are not cute o, don’t get me wrong.
its just that…………
They have no regard for your feelings.
I don’t know when last my wife slept 4 hours straight at night….. yes i try to take over early in the morning for her to sleep but you know that night sleep that is sweet? that one that you wont even know what is happening in the world around you? that one that you can scatter yourself and fart in peace and nobody will complain because…. well…. normal people should be asleep at this time? yeah… that sleep….
My wife hasn’t had that in months.
I’m sure you’re asking “Ah ah you nko?” Well one person has to sleep na.
Just drop it.

So the other day it was my turn.
I took the baby.
I could have left her alone in her cot to play with herself but she’s just too cute.
I said let me just play with her for a bit.
Usually we play the staring game.
This is how it works: She looks at me with eyes piercing mine as if wondering what game we will play today (unknown to her, daddy doesn’t know any other games but the staring game). As she stares, I stare back. Hard. Intense. like “you gonna be washing plate at 6 months, hope you know?”

Anyway, that day’s version of the game was somehow.
She just kept staring, then she winced, then she grunted and farted…… well …. i thought it was a fart….. THEN i felt a hot stream running down my arm unto my work clothes.
I wanted to scream like “WHO DOES THIS???? WHO POOPS ON ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL KNOWING QUITE WELL THE INDIVIDUAL IS READY TO GO TO WORK…. WHO DOES THIS….” 

Then i look at her and she does this confused face like “i dunno what just happened….. it wasn’t me” and looks away.
Im like “Oh no you dont, you’re cleaning this poo today”
And she smiles like “Hehehehehe you know you’re on poop duty… get to work you subordinate”
She was right.
i was on poop duty.
I cleaned her up.
What was i supposed to do? leave her in her own poo?
sigh
Babies are fun “they said”
MEAN is what they should have said.

 

What really grinds my gears Part 2

You know what really grinds my gears?

People that use statements like “grind my gears” like seriously? do you think everybody knows how gears work? Gears are actually a very complicated system and it requires a shit load of calculation to build. Gears are no joke. Seriously though, people that say stuff like “grind my gears” grind my gears.

Im sorry, its so hard to write funny materials these days. Most especially because it seems like nobody reads anymore. Back in the day people started by reading newspapers then books and fiction and then the internet came and started ruining everything. People started reading blogs and then podcasts came and now there are youtube videos everywhere.
Nobody seems to want to read a blog anymore, they would rather watch a vlog.

Anyway, im already overshooting the number of words one should put in a blog post before people lose interest.

TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU FIND IN THE OFFICE

Types of people you find in any office:

1, The English Speakers: This set of people seem to think that speaking English can solve all the problems we have in Nigeria. Instead of them to say “this is a door” they will say “this is an entry module that facilitates entrance into this particular occupant lenght and breadth of this building, it acts as an adjoining index between the room yonder and here” WHY??????????

2, The Screamers: These set of people are always angry, screaming at the top of their voices at the most mundane issues. “Why didn’t you print the documents 2 mins from now? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???? ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH”

3, The Complainers: you can never get anything right around these ones so don’t even bother. “Bring that folder here…. Did i say drop it in front of me? You are so Incompetent (oh yeah they love to use this word a whole lot), I cant work with such level of incompetence, i gave one instruction, one, Just One, Bring something here, but Nooooo Mr smart over here decided to take the bold step and dropped it on my table. Well clap for yourself.”

4, The Nothing Works in This Country People: These ones fa, nothing can ever work in Nigeria, even the small one that is trying to work, they don’t appreciate. Just like when Nepa takes light and it takes one min for the generator to come on “No, No, I cant work in this kind of environment, What? Power failure? When i was in the US, I never experienced power failure for one day, Everything works, Not like in this bloody country” Err sorry uncle, you can like to go back to ovasea and leave nigeria for us.

5, The Pretenders: These ones will act like they don’t care about anything in the office but somehow they get all their work done, they know what is happening in every sphere in the office. These people are sneaky mehn, they are the kind of people that can stab a union in the back. Everybody will agree on one thing and these people will go behind and sabotage the whole movement.

6, The Eye Service Ninjas: These ones…. sigh…. these ones are the reason why we are not progressing as a country. Why are you trying to impress? why cant you just do your job and let everybody do theirs without taking anybody’s shine? Which one is introducing yourself to your new boss as “My name is ____ im the one coordinating everybody on this floor because they are all so incompetent, they cant seem to perform the littlest tasks, its quite shameful actually, if you need any help sir, just call me.

7. The Ghosts: Nobody knows these people, they have been working in the office for 10years, they have a parking space but nobody knows them. We just know them by first name or “that guy/girl that sits in the corner alone”. They don’t come for social functions or office functions, they are not interested. Next thing you hear is that they the third of their 6 children is getting married.

Im sure im missing some, please add as you see fit

That One Time

i tried having pepper soup at work for breakfast
and it stained my white shirt so i had to strip (rather slowly and sensually) then washed my outfit in the toilet and dried it under the hand dryer.
My muscles rippled slowly while i scrubbed the outfit and my mildly sweaty chest glistened in the light of the toilet
The throngs of my scrubbing echo’ed through out the room as i intensely scrubbed at my shirt

Some soap lather fell on my chest and i tried to rub it off, instead it formed more lather and i found my self with soap all over my chest
The showers in the work bathroom immediately came on and i had to gently disrobe and step into the shower
The warmth and pulse of the shower jets gently massaged my flowing hair as i ran my fingers through very slowly
The water was warm and tender to my skin and that was when
sigh

That was when My wife woke me up and shouted “IDIOT yav piss in the bed…. Nonsense”