SO here i am in the studio, again….. trying my hands on this hiphop thing. i swear if hiphop doesnt work for me this time, it is over.
Anyway, i went in and paid my 40,000 naira (somebodys salary) for studio session. The place was fully booked for the day so they asked me to come back the next day for my session. So i had some time to perfect my song. i hadnt figured out what i was going to sing or rap as the case my be but i had time now. Anyway, i went home…. first things first, title of song.
Chinenye….. great, thats a lovely title though… but come to think of it, am i going to join the populace in making songs about another girl, so my listeners would go “Arrgghhh another song about another girl” . i swear its getting out of hand. off the top of my head, i can name like 35 or 40 songs about women…. (These people think im joking… ) Oya lets go…
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Allison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie, May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara, Anne, Billie Jean, Laila, Lola, Parley, Helena, Jenny from the block, Shirley, Laura, wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the moocher, Tracy, Jean, Jane, Maryanne, Ellen the Rigby, caro, danny wilson, Rosie, ifunanya, sade, belinda…. arrrgggghhhh and this is without thinking.
back to my story,
Anyway, i went down to an uncompleted building and i was dissapointed to find out that there were no weed sellers there, i thought all weed sellers operated from uncompleted buildings? what is nollywood teaching us? THOSE LIARS.
Ridiculously enough, i scored some weed from the Mr biggs close to my house and after a couple of hours relishing in the ambience of high ness…. i came up with this song.
Verse 1: everytime i look in to the sky
i sit back and ask myself why
what does the cosmos have to bring
whats the reason why im trying to sing
Up is farrrrrrrrrrrrr
look up to the sky but first park your carrrrrrrr
take a moment, sit and reminisceeeeee
and you my friend will know that
Up is FAAAARRRRRR
The other day,
I went to the top of my building to stay
i looked at the sky and said its true
Weed really does some shit to you
Songs and lyrics by Ceejay scratchbrovaman
well, thats it…. i dont know how anybody can be deeper than this… i think this is the deepest song you can every hear…. if you dont agree with me… write your own…. idiot
What does it actually mean when someone says “a rapper is deep”? Ive pondered this topic for a while now and have come to a personal conclusion. I will tell you what the conclusion is but like i said, its a conclusion. Conclusions come at the end of a topic not at the begining. Im not one of those kind of people that conclude a story before it starts, no way jose. I follow the lone of the story like a professional writer and i break down my points very articulately. I swear, im not lying. What if i told u at the begining that i concluded that “anybody that thinks a rapper is deep lacks insight” how would you feel? Would u want to continue reading ghe pozt? Im serious….answer me. I told about the time when i went to watch a movie and this little kid told me the summary of the movie in a few sentences before i walked into the viewing room. I would have banged his head with my fists but i couldnt for the following reasons.
1, his father was right beside him
2, his father was heavily built like a boxer or something
3, i didnt want to die, its not my time yet
4, if u think im a chicken, go and punch mike tysons child on the face and see what happens.
Anyway, what was i talking about again?…… Ermmm…. Oh the rappers. Well after pondering about this for a while i had to call up my hiphop instincts from where i dumped them. Remember i used to be a rapper? I even blogged about it. Its further down my blog. Anyway, i got my instincts and i was like, ” first, deep is a noun meaning hollow, or extending far down or in…… So if a rapper is deep, is he extending far down or in? Far down into what? Drugs? Maybe drugs….lets say drugs…. So the more doped up a rapper, the deeper he is.” which makes much sense because i was never high when i used to rap, no wonder i wasnt deep, no wonder my rap sucked, no wonder i couldnt make a career out of it, no wonder. I think im going to try my hands at hip hop again. This time imma smoke some weed, do some reefer, angel dust, cocaine, meth, all at the same time.
You know theres gon be a part 2 of this….. Cant give u everything in one sitting.
“No way? Who does that? Like really? Who fires the main character at the begining of the story.”
“I don’t give a shit”
“You’re still fired though”
“Aww mehn, for how long am I fired?”
“Arrrrggghhhh…. Get out of my office”
“But you haven’t even told me why you’re firing me, why the hell am I fired?”
“Get the hell out….”
The store manager rubbed his temples clockwise then anti clockwise…..
“How I hired that idiot… I have no idea” he muttered to himself
“You’re bigger than this louis…. You are calm, you are gentle, you a a white swan gliding across a lake…. Whosaah… Whosaah…”
Suddenly his office door popped open.
“Sorry sir, I know I’m like fired and all… But can I like… Get a raise or something”
MUG SMASHES ON THE HURRIEDLY SHUT DOOR.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“So I think I kinda got fired today….”
“Wait tunji you’re like my best friend and all what not but what does it really mean if your boss throws a coffee mug at you”
“What the?? He did that??”
“Yea, I kinda think he was coming on to me though. I hear there’s a species of monkeys that throw stuff at the female counterparts which they fancy…. I know we are both guys… But with all this talk of gay stuff everywhere…. I don’t know… Well he’s not the ugliest guy out there….”
“I know what you mean dude…. Maybe he was like PMS’ing or somthing…”
“Do guys PMS?”
“I don’t know,but since we think he’s gay already…. I guess it would be safe to think there’s some sort of guy PMS and all”
“Hmm… Tunji have I told you how smart I think you are?”
“Duh, its kinda genetic you know…. My parents said my grandpa was really smart”
“Oh yea I would believe that…. You must have gotten it from him… Let’s take some time to ponder about the miracle of the genetic transfer of brilliance”
They both looked to the ceiling and set their faces square like they were doing some deep thinking.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Omg guys there was this fart I wanted to fart on my way from katsina back to abuja. Omg I knew it was gonna be beast cos I had been holding it in for hours. Coupled with the fact that I had pounded yam with okro then biscuits and a lot of local yoghurt the night before and I had previously had fried yam with a lot of eggs some hours before that…. Wait, that morning I had beans and bread and I didn’t drink water. OH SHIT. Noway, this fart was going to be a keeper. I needed to save this one for the records. This was one of those farts that make you have amnesia, one of those farts that have people wind down their windows in an aeroplane, the kind of fart that make the crippled walk, the kind of fart that pauses time, this was a chuck norris fart. I really wish there was a way to store your farts and there was like an international regulatory body that measured farts and give like the world record holder like a million dollars or something… But how would they get funding? Maybe if there was a way to prove that farts could repair the already damaged ozone layer then countries would start funding the organisation and NGO’s would start bringing out the cash…. But wait, countries fund international NGO’s so why would NGO’s also fund the organisation when the countries are already funding too….. Where was I?
Oh yea and since the chemical formular for ozone is O3 maybe we could find the chemical formular for farts and find out if it really reacts with O2 and gives off O3 as a by product but then we would be having a lot of sulphuric rain cos I’m too damn sure there’s sulphur in farts. You think I’m lying? Why the hell do u think H2SO4 smells like farts or rotten eggs? Its the sulphur baby, but you wouldn’t know that now would you? Did you go to school at all? Maybe you were one of those lazy ones that used to sit at the back of the class drawing the teacher. I sat at the back of the class… That made me who I am today…. I didn’t draw my teacher though…. Wait.. What are we talking about again??
I was somewhat of an olodo when I was in primary school. It wasn’t embarassing before, then we started reading out comprehension passages in class. That was when my life took a turn for the worse.
I remember one particular incident very clearly.
Mr Ojo: ‘we are going to read a comprehension passage today and everybody will read a line each till we finish the passage’ (oh I forgot to mention, I was in a public school and there were 93 of us in class. We all shared 2 textbooks… Yea whatever)
All students: ‘groaning…. Ahhhh let’s do mass instead na’ (I should mention at this point that learning maths ‘mass as we called it then’ meant reciting two times table which most of us had crammed or written on our desks with pen’
Mr Ojo: Shutup all of you. You are all idiots, how stupid can you be? You will never amount to anything in life. I have no idea why you are even in school. You would do better selling pepper or being a mechanic. Bloody fools, all of you. What insolense. Your fathers… No your family and your ancestors are idiots…. (Yea, I remember the insults usually went on for so long). Oya Dona stand up and start reading the first line… Bloody twat’
I hate youth corpers…. All Four teachers I had in primary one were youth corpers and they all had one issue or the other. They never wanted to teach.
Me: ‘The title of the comprehension is Lost. And I begin my reading…. Somebody lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘some one not somebody’
Me: ‘okay… Somebody Lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘I said Some one, what can you see in your book?’
Me: Looking more carefully ‘someone sir’
Mr Ojo: ‘Say it again’
Mr Ojo: ‘Louder’
Mr Ojo: ‘everybody shout it’
Mr Ojo: Good, Now start reading again you dunce
Me: ‘thank you sir….. Somebody Lost a pen…….’
When I was a kid, I had a very hard time finding a future ambition. Everybody around me wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer but somehow I just couldn’t settle. My future ambitions varied from being a fisherman to being a drug dealer or just being a school teacher. After a while, I realised that my real future ambition was to have a future ambition and I held on to that tightly. Well its over 20years since I realised that, and I can assure you that so far I might have done more jobs than bob the builder. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because on one hand I have all this experience doing so many jobs, for example, I’ve been a teacher, a construction foreman/architect, a writer, a musician, an artist, an engineer, a web designer, a technician, a cook, a banker, a financial adviser, a clerk, a personal assistant, a driver, a conductor, a small and medium business consultant and many more I cannot remember, oh I’ve also been a salesman, a marketer, a computer repairer, an electronics repairer, a programmer, a carpenter, a cameraman, a music producer, a sound engineer, a radio air personality, a journalist, a fiction writer, a love doctor, a counsellor, a cobbler and many more I cannot remember. My point is…… Shit I can’t even remember the point I was trying to make…. I just remember that I’ve also been a travel agent, a tour guide, a chaffeur, a stunt double, an actor, a courier agent, an art dealer, a business middle man, a tailor, a pastor, pharmacist, a chef, a human rights activist, a woman rights activist, a stripper, a talent show host, a talent on a talent show, a judge on a talent show and a talent show organiser. I’m sure there are many more jobs I have done which I cannot remember. One thing is for sure though, and that is that I do not remember the reason why I started writing this and I am too damn lazy to scroll up.
I have not blogged in donkey years, i dont know why, i think ive been preoccupied with different things….. we will find out someday.
So today i woke up very slowly and got to the office by 10 (Look these things happen…. i work hard, i sleep hard also… dont judge me Matt 7:7 KJV)
got to the office and had the following conversation on facebook……
“Hi Who is this?”
“My name is Ceejay Scratch Brovaman, used to be in Platoon 10, go thru my profile jo, if you dont remember me then ill just jump off a bridge”
“Lool C ur head, Hows everything”
“OMG whats wrong with my head???? is it no more…. like a head??? does it now look like…. feet??? need to do something about this”
“Hahahahahaha Hw z abj?”
“well abuja is a city located in the middle belt part of nigeria dominated mostly by hausas but that trend is changing now….theres everybody”
“Ur so funny”
“I am??? omg i had no idea nobody told me”
“Hahahaha Cj Hw z evrytin”
“well everything is everything, im guessing u think everything is something right? well somehow everything is something but its more the fact that everything is made up of little somethings. people would think somethings are made of nothing but thats just preposterous.”
Saw this Ridiculous form online and though i should share. Im sure many of you have seen it.. but im storing it here for record purposes. Kudos to whoever wrote this.
APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
FILL THE FORM IN OWN HANDWRITING AND IN BLOCK LETTERS.
I, _________ , hereby apply tomarry your daughter Sir.I am _____ years old.
Please answer the following questions honestly.
1. Do you go to church? Yes/No
2. Do you have a degree or diploma?Yes/No.
3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No.
4. Are you working? Yes/No.
5. Do you have a car? Yes/No.
If your answer to any of the above questions was NO, do not continue. Leave my house and don’t look back. If all your answers were YES, then continue.
1. In 50 words or more, describe the disadvantages of cheating in marriage._________
2. With the aid of a diagram, explain how you can give respect to your father in-law or mother in-law.
3. Suppose your wife says, “honey, I need money for my hair at the saloon”, what would you answer____________
4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce_____________
5. What does the term ‘good husband’ mean to you____________
6. Do you have both dad and mum?Yes/No. If No, explain why?
7. Were your parents legally married? Yes/No. If YES, for how long? If the time of their marriage is less than your age, explain why you were born out of wedlock.
8. Explain the meaning of ”COME HOME EARLY” as used by women.(100 words)
9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to sleep outside his house.
10. In case of divorce, who do you think is the owner of the kids between father and mother?
Answer the following by Yes or No.
1. Do you drink alcohol? Yes/No.
2. Do you smoke? Yes/No.
3. Are you short-tempered?Yes/No.
LAST PART, BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT.
1. When can you be free for interviews? _______
2. When can be the best time to interview your dad _______
3. When can I interview your mum____________
4. When can I interview your church pastor.
5. Please stick your passport size photo below, which will be put in newspaper to check if you have other girlfriends.
Sign here: _______Sign again:_______
Letter to my land lord.
I heard from the neighbors that you came over last week to demand payment of rent, i was also informed that you knocked for a long time on my door and i did not open. I’m really sorry for that. I heard a knock and looked through the key hole and saw a very ugly face. Thinking it was a zombie, i ran under my bed till the knocking stopped. I’m so sorry, i did not realize it was you. i would also like to remind you that I moved into this compound under duress… I’m not a man of many words so ill just go ahead and tell you that this arrangement is not working for me. wait…. there’s a rat in my ceiling… the thing has been there since i moved in and i have seen 3 generations of its family, i just need it to pay its own half of the rent. anyway like i said before, I’m not a man of many words so i have itemized a couple of things that need your urgent attention.
1, the toilet is blocked and i have not been able to shit since last week, i’m scared that if i flush, the whole toilet will spill over. I’m not doing.
2, Please send someone to repair my corridor as my wife tripped on it three weeks ago and is now pregnant because of that. please do not ask how because i have no idea too.
3, there is one cockroach on my wall that has refused to die. apparently its everything-repellant. i have “slippers’d” it, “mosquito reppellanted” it, “screamed” at it, “sworn” for it, and even reported it to my pastor. but it still remains there on the wall. Someone told me that maybe its my village people that have come to torture me. i have taken the liberty of going to my village and asking around and nobody claims it is them so i have come to the logical conclusion that it probably is your own village people. At this juncture i would have you know that i am a very young man and i have a lot to live for. please tell your village people that you didnt see me.
4, as per your rent for this year, i was wondering if you could take payment in art, cos i made this beautiful painting of a fish and it is worth over 2million in cash to me, so i have taken the liberty of mailing it to you. you can sell it and keep the change.
Thank you very much for your understanding.
Ceejay Scratch Brovaman
The bell tolled low at the hilltop and slowly, the voices of the monks rose to the heavens in rolling waves from the monastery. They echoed over the hill and down the valley, tumbling through the rushes. The wind sighed, playing an accompaniment with the blades of overgrown grasses beating against each other softly; a susurrus of murmured hallelujahs.