LETTER TO MY LANDLORD

Letter to my land lord.

Dear Landlord,

I heard from the neighbors that you came over last week to demand payment of rent, i was also informed that you knocked for a long time on my door and i did not open. I’m really sorry for that. I heard a knock and looked through the key hole and saw a very ugly face. Thinking it was a zombie, i ran under my bed till the knocking stopped. I’m so sorry, i did not realize it was you. i would also like to remind you that I moved into this compound under duress… I’m not a man of many words so ill just go ahead and tell you that this arrangement is not working for me. wait…. there’s a rat in my ceiling… the thing has been there since i moved in and i have seen 3 generations of its family, i just need it to pay its own half of the rent. anyway like i said before, I’m not a man of many words so i have itemized a couple of things that need your urgent attention.

1, the toilet is blocked and i have not been able to shit since last week, i’m scared that if i flush, the whole toilet will spill over. I’m not doing.

2, Please send someone to repair my corridor as my wife tripped on it three weeks ago and is now pregnant because of that. please do not ask how because i have no idea too.

3, there is one cockroach on my wall that has refused to die. apparently its everything-repellant. i have “slippers’d” it, “mosquito reppellanted” it, “screamed” at it, “sworn” for it, and even reported it to my pastor. but it still remains there on the wall. Someone told me that maybe its my village people that have come to torture me. i have taken the liberty of going to my village and asking around and nobody claims it is them so i have come to the logical conclusion that it probably is your own village people. At this juncture i would have you know that i am a very young man and i have a lot to live for. please tell your village people that you didnt see me.

4, as per your rent for this year, i was wondering if you could take payment in art, cos i made this beautiful painting of a fish and it is worth over 2million in cash to me, so i have taken the liberty of mailing it to you. you can sell it and keep the change.

Thank you very much for your understanding.

Regards

Ceejay Scratch Brovaman

What i learnt on Onitsha street (Part 1)

“You’re Fired”
“No way? Who does that? Like really? Who fires the main character at the begining of the story.”
“I don’t give a shit”
“Whaaaa”
“You’re still fired though”
“Aww mehn, for how long am I fired?”
“Arrrrggghhhh…. Get out of my office”
“But you haven’t even told me why you’re firing me, why the hell am I fired?”
“Get the hell out….”
“But….”
“NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!”
The store manager rubbed his temples clockwise then anti clockwise…..
“How I hired that idiot… I have no idea” he muttered to himself
“You’re bigger than this louis…. You are calm, you are gentle, you a a white swan gliding across a lake…. Whosaah… Whosaah…”
Suddenly his office door popped open.
“Sorry sir, I know I’m like fired and all… But can I like… Get a raise or something”
MUG SMASHES ON THE HURRIEDLY SHUT DOOR.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“So I think I kinda got fired today….”
“Oh really?”
“Wait tunji you’re like my best friend and all what not but what does it really mean if your boss throws a coffee mug at you”
“What the?? He did that??”
“Yea, I kinda think he was coming on to me though. I hear there’s a species of monkeys that throw stuff at the female counterparts which they fancy…. I know we are both guys… But with all this talk of gay stuff everywhere…. I don’t know… Well he’s not the ugliest guy out there….”
“I know what you mean dude…. Maybe he was like PMS’ing or somthing…”
“Do guys PMS?”
“I don’t know,but since we think he’s gay already…. I guess it would be safe to think there’s some sort of guy PMS and all”
“Hmm… Tunji have I told you how smart I think you are?”
“Duh, its kinda genetic you know…. My parents said my grandpa was really smart”
“Oh yea I would believe that…. You must have gotten it from him… Let’s take some time to ponder about the miracle of the genetic transfer of brilliance”
They both looked to the ceiling and set their faces square like they were doing some deep thinking.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

what farts are made of

Omg guys there was this fart I wanted to fart on my way from katsina back to abuja. Omg I knew it was gonna be beast cos I had been holding it in for hours. Coupled with the fact that I had pounded yam with okro then biscuits and a lot of local yoghurt the night before and I had previously had fried yam with a lot of eggs some hours before that…. Wait, that morning I had beans and bread and I didn’t drink water. OH SHIT. Noway, this fart was going to be a keeper. I needed to save this one for the records. This was one of those farts that make you have amnesia, one of those farts that have people wind down their windows in an aeroplane, the kind of fart that make the crippled walk, the kind of fart that pauses time, this was a chuck norris fart. I really wish there was a way to store your farts and there was like an international regulatory body that measured farts and give like the world record holder like a million dollars or something… But how would they get funding? Maybe if there was a way to prove that farts could repair the already damaged ozone layer then countries would start funding the organisation and NGO’s would start bringing out the cash…. But wait, countries fund international NGO’s so why would NGO’s also fund the organisation when the countries are already funding too….. Where was I?
Oh yea and since the chemical formular for ozone is O3 maybe we could find the chemical formular for farts and find out if it really reacts with O2 and gives off O3 as a by product but then we would be having a lot of sulphuric rain cos I’m too damn sure there’s sulphur in farts. You think I’m lying? Why the hell do u think H2SO4 smells like farts or rotten eggs? Its the sulphur baby, but you wouldn’t know that now would you? Did you go to school at all? Maybe you were one of those lazy ones that used to sit at the back of the class drawing the teacher. I sat at the back of the class… That made me who I am today…. I didn’t draw my teacher though…. Wait.. What are we talking about again??
Sigh
The end

Primary School Woes

I was somewhat of an olodo when I was in primary school. It wasn’t embarassing before, then we started reading out comprehension passages in class. That was when my life took a turn for the worse.
I remember one particular incident very clearly.
Mr Ojo: ‘we are going to read a comprehension passage today and everybody will read a line each till we finish the passage’ (oh I forgot to mention, I was in a public school and there were 93 of us in class. We all shared 2 textbooks… Yea whatever)
All students: ‘groaning…. Ahhhh let’s do mass instead na’ (I should mention at this point that learning maths ‘mass as we called it then’ meant reciting two times table which most of us had crammed or written on our desks with pen’
Mr Ojo: Shutup all of you. You are all idiots, how stupid can you be? You will never amount to anything in life. I have no idea why you are even in school. You would do better selling pepper or being a mechanic. Bloody fools, all of you. What insolense. Your fathers… No your family and your ancestors are idiots…. (Yea, I remember the insults usually went on for so long). Oya Dona stand up and start reading the first line… Bloody twat’

I hate youth corpers…. All Four teachers I had in primary one were youth corpers and they all had one issue or the other. They never wanted to teach.

Me: ‘The title of the comprehension is Lost. And I begin my reading…. Somebody lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘some one not somebody’
Me: ‘okay… Somebody Lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘I said Some one, what can you see in your book?’
Me: Looking more carefully ‘someone sir’
Mr Ojo: ‘Say it again’
Me:’someone’
Mr Ojo: ‘Louder’
Me: ‘Someone’
Mr Ojo: ‘everybody shout it’
Class: ‘SOMEONE’
Mr Ojo: Good, Now start reading again you dunce
Me: ‘thank you sir….. Somebody Lost a pen…….’

The begining….

When I was a kid, I had a very hard time finding a future ambition. Everybody around me wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer but somehow I just couldn’t settle. My future ambitions varied from being a fisherman to being a drug dealer or just being a school teacher. After a while, I realised that my real future ambition was to have a future ambition and I held on to that tightly. Well its over 20years since I realised that, and I can assure you that so far I might have done more jobs than bob the builder. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because on one hand I have all this experience doing so many jobs, for example, I’ve been a teacher, a construction foreman/architect, a writer, a musician, an artist, an engineer, a web designer, a technician, a cook, a banker, a financial adviser, a clerk, a personal assistant, a driver, a conductor, a small and medium business consultant and many more I cannot remember, oh I’ve also been a salesman, a marketer, a computer repairer, an electronics repairer, a programmer, a carpenter, a cameraman, a music producer, a sound engineer, a radio air personality, a journalist, a fiction writer, a love doctor, a counsellor, a cobbler and many more I cannot remember. My point is…… Shit I can’t even remember the point I was trying to make…. I just remember that I’ve also been a travel agent, a tour guide, a chaffeur, a stunt double, an actor, a courier agent, an art dealer, a business middle man, a tailor, a pastor, pharmacist, a chef, a human rights activist, a woman rights activist, a stripper, a talent show host, a talent on a talent show, a judge on a talent show and a talent show organiser. I’m sure there are many more jobs I have done which I cannot remember. One thing is for sure though, and that is that I do not remember the reason why I started writing this and I am too damn lazy to scroll up.

O'er the Hills

Reblogged from Phantom Pages:

The bell tolled low at the hilltop and slowly, the voices of the monks rose to the heavens in rolling waves from the monastery. They echoed over the hill and down the valley, tumbling through the rushes. The wind sighed, playing an accompaniment with the blades of overgrown grasses beating against each other softly; a susurrus of murmured hallelujahs.

Read more… 541 more words

dont do drugs

So an hour ago, I called up “abominable” (my weed guy) to fix me up. Okay I have no idea why this guy is called abominable, he’s just abominable okay? Look its okay not to know somethings, it doesn’t make u a worse person, you are just one more person who just doesn’t know about that thing okay? Stop feeling bad, let the abominable guy go.
Okay so I met him up at the restaurant where we eat (yes not all weed sellers operate from uncompleted buildings…. U need to lay off the home videos a bit) oh yea so I got there before him and (wait before I go on, please stop asking so many questions so I don’t keep digressing from the story… I’m loosing concentration and mental value…whatever that means :s ) anyway, I was a bit depressed so I asked him if he had something stronger than the skunk I usually bought.
He opened up his bag and told me he had a new blend called “the mind rape” another called “holy shit I feel my brains depleting” and the last one popularly known as “run forest run”. I don’t know who names these things but the person deserves an award of some sort. Oh yea where was I? Yea the weed. So I took a bag of “mind rape” and smoked it on the way home. When I got to my house there was a white talking rabbit seated on my couch. Said something about its name being olu…something but then again isn’t every yoruba rabbit named olu…something? I ignored the rabbit.
I knew I wasn’t high cos I know the feeling..trust me. Before I go on, I’d like to say that there is NOTHING sexy about mind rape. Its actually what the name says. It rapes you damn mind. Call d cops, call your nephews, I just know mind rape is horrible. Back to my story. I ignored the rabbit cos I wasn’t high. When ur high ur sopposed to see unicorns. I never seen one before. I don’t even know what it looks like. Infact. I always thot unicorn meant ‘one corn” or “single corn” so when I saw that bloody horse with a horn in my bathroom I knew my mind had been raped. That is it. My mind got raped then got pregnant, went on the 16 and pregnant thing…now it has no friends or no memories. Anyway that’s it, I’m outside right now naked on the lawn.
Just came here to warn u not to do drugs. That’s all I came here to say
Nite folks

BANKING WOES

Is it just me or everytime you walk into a bank to withdraw a cheque, the tellers just keep messing with our minds?
you know when you walk into a bank and you present your cheque, the guy/lady takes the cheque from you and starts tpying some SHIT on the keyboard.
Ctrl + F2
TTTTT…..
C……
Space Bar Space Bar Space Bar……
F6 F6
Ctrl W
Home Home Home Home…..
***Please your ID Card***
(you hand over your ID)
Ctrl Q……
W W W W W W……
F T L L L ….
* * * *
C….
**Sir there is no Money in your account**

WTF i can just jump accross the counter and strangle the fool sha…. AAAARRRGGGGHHHH

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TYPING THERE SINCE?????

YOU NEVER EVEN SPELT MY NAME ONCE.

MY NAME STARTS WITH Y……

YOU NEVER EVEN TOUCHED THE KEY….

You know what? thats it, im using ATM’s for the rest of my life.

WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?

WHO THE HELL IS THIS NEBULOUS THEY??
“THEY say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush” Do THEY live in a bush?
“THEY say the devil u know is better than the angel you don’t” Are THEY Paranormal?
Remix
“DEM talk say, wetin papa siddon for ground dey see, small pikin no fit see am even if him climb tree” DEM be reporter?
They told me I was kind of Mad sha. I still refuse to believe it because they haven’t come to confront me with it. Are THEY Doctors??
They told me I’d never amount to shit, I made my first million and counted it, now look at it, a freaking drop out that quit, rich as hell and I’m proud of it (Eminem) Are THEY school teachers?
They that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Who the hell are they?? WHO????
THEY say this, DEM say that, WHO THE HELL ARE THEY????
WHO IS THIS THEY??
Haven’t you ever just wondered? This ‘THEY’ happens to be a very popular person. There’s no household in Nigeria that doesn’t know him/her or it. Ha! When I was a child, I heard so much about ‘THEY’ that once I looked in the nitel phone directory for his/her/its phone number.
Ok so I wasn’t a very smart kid, whatever, don’t start looking at me like you were the smartest kid out there, and you could have been the worst kid in your class academically but you’re here trying to judge me? Who the hell do you think you are? You think you can just wake up and start judging people because you scored a few points higher than me in grade 2 math? Is it because I wasn’t the teacher’s pet? Don’t judge me… you don’t even know me…. Sorry
I give up. End of post.