ABIKU


Im-At-The-ATM

It’s a scary story for some and for some it’s just plain frustrating. I can’t begin to tell you how annoying it is to me anytime I have to use “Abiku”. Wait, I should have started from the beginning.

My name is Johnson Everyman and I work for a multinational development agency. I totally love working here not really about the amount of work that needs to be done, but because of the amazing people I get to work with.
Just like in every other office, here we also have the Steamrollers, Lemmings, The Professors, Jabber-Walkers, and definitely the-perfectly-suited-for-you individuals. Today is not the day in which I shall go into describing all these characters and i agree that 90% of the categories I mentioned are negative but what can I say? They do exist.

Moving on….

Owing to the nature of work and the size of the organization in which I work, one of the old generation banks decided (out of their freewill, marketing goals and willingness to please their customers) to install an ATM machine somewhere in the building.
I remember the first day the machine was installed, It was joy all over the complex, there was rejoicing, people sang and jumped for joy, some ladies wept, some people were so overcome with emotion that they ordered champagne and bottles were popped. It was a joyous day. I cant begin to tell you how I felt personally about this new development.
The closest ATM machine at the time was some streets away and it was considered a long walk seeing as there’s always so much work to do here. People usually just waited till the end of the day to do their bank transactions and hope that by the time they get to the ATM machine it wouldn’t read “Out of Service”.
It was dark times back then, really dark times.
I remember this particular day, I closed late from work and started the long and arduous walk down to the ATM machine, on this blessed day, my car had refused to work so I had left it at home. I had called the mechanic Ade to go to the house and do the necessary repairs which he had done. Ade had called me earlier to come back home with his money seeing as he spent the whole day at my house fixing my car so I had to (by all means) get some money for Ade.
I walked down the dark street that housed the machine only to get there and it was out of service. I remember clearly sitting on the floor thinking of where to get money to go home and to give Ade. To cut a long story short, I had to walk back to the office, did an offering collection for the security guards. The good ol’ chaps emptied their pockets and I had just enough. I obviously went to the bank early in the morning then paid back their monies with interest.

Moving on……

The ATM machine installed in the office was a beauty to behold, it was covered in bright colours and was an eye catcher, it played beautiful songs and dispensed only mint-condition (freshly printed) notes, it gave you a receipt for every transaction and all was well with the world. In fact, after your transaction, the machine would thank you and wish you a lovely day.

The case is not the same today. Abiku (as it’s generally called by the staff and visitors to my organisation) has become a nightmare. She just sits there dispensing to whomever she feels like, most times she doesn’t even dispense at all. The bank had to employ someone specifically to show up at our organisation every day to service Abiku but this has not helped matters. Abiku has become a terror to our organisation. Sometimes she allows you go through the process of inputting your PIN and requesting cash before she shuts down and says she’s out of service, sometimes I think there’s also a problem with the voice function on the machine because some of the words are now slurred and they sound like insults. Abiku steals money from almost everybody these days, you try to withdraw twenty thousand and she gives you ten, the other ten goes to her pocket (I still don’t know how she does it). This is very frustrating because it takes the bank up to 7days sometimes to refund your money.

Reports have come in that sometimes when you pass by Abiku, she hisses and spits. Other reports say she has become really touchy and hates to be touched by anyone. She is allergic to people, she is allergic to beef (don’t even ask me), She is allergic to people wearing glasses, she’s short tempered and has a really short fuse.

If you think that is not bad enough, the other day, Abiku shot me in the arm………….

 

(pls feel free to drop comments and read some of my older posts….. :) )

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i just need to rant for a bit


remember that proverb or saying or riddle or joke that says, “you are in a boat with your wife and mother, the boat is sinking and you have the power to save one person, which of them will you save?” 
Yea i found myself in something similar this year, dilemma is a real bitch (Pardon my language). Can you believe that almost seven months after, my “mother and my wife “are still in that sinking boat? somehow i just swam to shore and sat somewhere watching and hoping one or both of them would follow my footsteps and swim to shore like i did. shey they say what a man can do, a woman can do better eh?

Common, i love “both women” equally well and id do anything for them but you see….. I guess i went silent on both.

Annoying both parties seemed to be the best way out. instead i went underground.

what is the point of all this? I have no idea. 

I just needed to let steam out and i have. since i have noone to talk to these days about shit like this, id rather just vent to this bloody diary. 

Dont ask questions…. i do not have the answers.

dont do drugs

dont drink and drive.

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN…. (Edited)


Found this somewhere on facebook and had to edit it to my locality

Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was… on the first month of premier league that i met her, let’s see…Arsenal has 54 points on the table, chelsea has 62, there are how many matches left again??

And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: Haa i dont think we can clinch premier league this year dammit, unless chelsea looses all their matches which we know wont happen…. Mourinho no go gree…. WENGER SHA… shit

And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: And next season he wont still buy players, what is wrong with that guy.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Maybe i should start thinking of changing clubs, or ill just focus on another league for a while….

“Fred,” Martha says aloud.

“What?” says Fred, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Fred.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Fred.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Fred.

“That way about time,” says Martha.

“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Plantain chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a Arsenal vs Chelsea that he recorded on his PVR. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major is going on in the arsenal camp and changes are gonna be made at the end of the season, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing FIFA13 one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before kick off, frown, and say: “Hey, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women

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2013 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,000 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 33 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My first interview


It was a Tuesday morning, I had applied to XXX company for the position of I.T. Administrator two weeks ago and they had called me yesterday to come for a brief interview at their office. The interview was slated for 10am but I was there by 7am.
“what harm can coming early possibly do?” I asked myself, plus I was a nervous wreck since this was my first interview ever in life. I had asked myself all the possible questions I could think of, I had gone on the internet, read books and any other thing I could lay my hand on. I made it a point of duty to read one self help book everyday.
Stocked up in my book library, I had read:
Taking Control ,
Be your own man,
How to fire your boss,
Look up in the sky… it’s a bird… it’s a plane… no its you,
You can make it,
Swallow your spit,
No more crap,
No more no more crap (which is no more crap part2),
I believe,
stand strong,
where do you see yourself in 5 years,
bold and confident,
bones,
stronger,
you are your own superman,
superman 2,
superman 3,
superman returns,
whatever you want,
if I think it I can be it,
being serious in serious matters,
Joblessness is serious business…….
And couple more books I really can’t remember. Bottom line, I wanted to ACE this interview.
I had been jobless for 2 years so I was more than excited about this. I HAD TO GET THIS JOB.
I arrived the office at about quarter to 7am and met the gates locked. I knocked. And a small square that was cut into the gate was flung open. A male face popped up at the other side.
“ehen? Who I dey find” He asked
“I’m here for an interview” I replied showing him my letter.
“ehh nobody she never come. Which time I tell me make I come fa?” He asked as he pulled out a chewing stick from somewhere in his long overflowing sleeping gown and started chewing it with reckless abandon.
I paused for a minute to wonder what teeth he was brushing with the stick seeing as he had about 4 front teeth left and they were brown with decay.
“10 o’clock, but I decided to come early” I replied him finally
“Ehen, Make I wait am for outside” He said and closed the metal flap of the gate.
I looked around and found a nice spot to stand while watching cars drive past.
Two and half hours later, a skinny girl in her early twenties walked up to the gate and knocked. The flap flew open again, no words were exchanged, and the gate opened. Before she could go in, I stopped her briefly
“My name is John everyman, I’m here for the interview”
“Ehh” she replied as though disgusted by my presence “you have to wait with everybody else. The interview is for 10am” and she went in, she didn’t even look at me as she almost literarily spat the words out of her mouth……………..
Okay I know you are waiting for the end of this post…. There is no end…. I got bored so I started writing. Now I’m no longer bored. If you want to finish the post for me please feel free to do that in the comments section. As you can see I haven’t damaged the story yet…. Its still fresh and there’s so much potential… hehehehe ahahahahahahaha I can be that annoying. Oya sorry.

One of those random days


I have not blogged in donkey years, i dont know why, i think ive been preoccupied with different things….. we will find out someday.

So today i woke up very slowly and got to the office by 10 (Look these things happen…. i work hard, i sleep hard also… dont judge me Matt 7:7 KJV)
got to the office and had the following conversation on facebook…… 

“Hi Margaret”
“Hi Who is this?”
“My name is Ceejay Scratch Brovaman, used to be in Platoon 10, go thru my profile jo, if you dont remember me then ill just jump off a bridge”
“Lool C ur head, Hows everything”
“OMG whats wrong with my head???? is it no more…. like a head??? does it now look like…. feet??? need to do something about this”
“Hahahahahaha Hw z abj?”
“well abuja is a city located in the middle belt part of nigeria dominated mostly by hausas but that trend is changing now….theres everybody”
“Ur so funny”
“I am??? omg i had no idea nobody told me”
“Hahahaha Cj Hw z evrytin”
“well everything is everything, im guessing u think everything is something right? well somehow everything is something but its more the fact that everything is made up of little somethings. people would think somethings are made of nothing but thats just preposterous.”

CLICK
 
 
 
 

This form of life


Saw this Ridiculous form online and though i should share. Im sure many of you have seen it.. but im storing it here for record purposes. Kudos to whoever wrote this.

APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
FILL THE FORM IN OWN HANDWRITING AND IN BLOCK LETTERS.
I, _________ , hereby apply tomarry your daughter Sir.I am _____ years old.
Please answer the following questions honestly.

1. Do you go to church? Yes/No
2. Do you have a degree or diploma?Yes/No.
3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No.
4. Are you working? Yes/No.
5. Do you have a car? Yes/No.

If your answer to any of the above questions was NO, do not continue. Leave my house and don’t look back. If all your answers were YES, then continue.

1. In 50 words or more, describe the disadvantages of cheating in marriage._________
2. With the aid of a diagram, explain how you can give respect to your father in-law or mother in-law.
3. Suppose your wife says, “honey, I need money for my hair at the saloon”, what would you answer____________
4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce_____________
5. What does the term ‘good husband’ mean to you____________
6. Do you have both dad and mum?Yes/No. If No, explain why?
7. Were your parents legally married? Yes/No. If YES, for how long? If the time of their marriage is less than your age, explain why you were born out of wedlock.
8. Explain the meaning of ”COME HOME EARLY” as used by women.(100 words)
9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to sleep outside his house.
10. In case of divorce, who do you think is the owner of the kids between father and mother?
Answer the following by Yes or No.
1. Do you drink alcohol? Yes/No.
2. Do you smoke? Yes/No.
3. Are you short-tempered?Yes/No.

LAST PART, BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT.
1. When can you be free for interviews? _______
2. When can be the best time to interview your dad _______
3. When can I interview your mum____________
4. When can I interview your church pastor.
5. Please stick your passport size photo below, which will be put in newspaper to check if you have other girlfriends.

Sign here: _______Sign again:_______

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That is how i died of laughter



Deepness part2


SO here i am in the studio, again….. trying my hands on this hiphop thing. i swear if hiphop doesnt work for me this time, it is over.

Anyway, i went in and paid my 40,000 naira (somebodys salary) for studio session. The place was fully booked for the day so they asked me to come back the next day for my session. So i had some time to perfect my song. i hadnt figured out what i was going to sing or rap as the case my be but i had time now. Anyway, i went home…. first things first, title of song.
Chinenye….. great, thats a lovely title though… but come to think of it, am i going to join the populace in making songs about another girl, so my listeners would go “Arrgghhh another song about another girl” . i swear its getting out of hand. off the top of my head, i can name like 35 or 40 songs about women…. (These people think im joking… )  Oya lets go…

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Allison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie, May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara, Anne, Billie Jean, Laila, Lola, Parley, Helena, Jenny from the block, Shirley, Laura, wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the moocher, Tracy, Jean, Jane, Maryanne, Ellen the Rigby, caro, danny wilson, Rosie, ifunanya, sade, belinda…. arrrgggghhhh and this is without thinking.

back to my story,

Anyway, i went down to an uncompleted building and i was dissapointed to find out that there were no weed sellers there, i thought all weed sellers operated from uncompleted buildings? what is nollywood teaching us? THOSE LIARS.

Ridiculously enough, i scored some weed from the Mr biggs close to my house and after a couple of hours relishing in the ambience of high ness…. i came up with this song.

Intro:

Verse 1: everytime i look in to the sky
i sit back and ask myself why
what does the cosmos have to bring
whats the reason why im trying to sing

CHorus:

Up is farrrrrrrrrrrrr
look up to the sky but first park your carrrrrrrr
take a moment, sit and reminisceeeeee
and you my friend will know that
Up is FAAAARRRRRR

Verse 2:

The other day,
I went to the top of my building to stay
i looked at the sky and said its true
Weed really does some shit to you

CHorus:

Bridge:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaa
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

DRUM ROLL
CHORUS

END

Songs and lyrics by Ceejay scratchbrovaman

well, thats it…. i dont know how anybody can be deeper than this… i think this is the deepest song you can every hear…. if you dont agree with me… write your own…. idiot

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Deepness


What does it actually mean when someone says “a rapper is deep”? Ive pondered this topic for a while now and have come to a personal conclusion. I will tell you what the conclusion is but like i said, its a conclusion. Conclusions come at the end of a topic not at the begining. Im not one of those kind of people that conclude a story before it starts, no way jose. I follow the lone of the story like a professional writer and i break down my points very articulately. I swear, im not lying. What if i told u at the begining that i concluded that “anybody that thinks a rapper is deep lacks insight” how would you feel? Would u want to continue reading ghe pozt? Im serious….answer me. I told about the time when i went to watch a movie and this little kid told me the summary of the movie in a few sentences before i walked into the viewing room. I would have banged his head with my fists but i couldnt for the following reasons.

1, his father was right beside him

2, his father was heavily built like a boxer or something

3, i didnt want to die, its not my time yet

4, if u think im a chicken, go and punch mike tysons child on the face and see what happens.

Anyway, what was i talking about again?…… Ermmm…. Oh the rappers. Well after pondering about this for a while i had to call up my hiphop instincts from where i dumped them. Remember i used to be a rapper? I even blogged about it. Its further down my blog. Anyway, i got my instincts and i was like, ” first, deep is a noun meaning hollow, or extending far down or in…… So if a rapper is deep, is he extending far down or in? Far down into what? Drugs? Maybe drugs….lets say drugs…. So the more doped up a rapper, the deeper he is.” which makes much sense because i was never high when i used to rap, no wonder i wasnt deep, no wonder my rap sucked, no wonder i couldnt make a career out of it, no wonder. I think im going to try my hands at hip hop again. This time imma smoke some weed, do some reefer, angel dust, cocaine, meth, all at the same time.

You know theres gon be a part 2 of this….. Cant give u everything in one sitting.

Peace out

* *********

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