SO here i am in the studio, again….. trying my hands on this hiphop thing. i swear if hiphop doesnt work for me this time, it is over.
Anyway, i went in and paid my 40,000 naira (somebodys salary) for studio session. The place was fully booked for the day so they asked me to come back the next day for my session. So i had some time to perfect my song. i hadnt figured out what i was going to sing or rap as the case my be but i had time now. Anyway, i went home…. first things first, title of song.
Chinenye….. great, thats a lovely title though… but come to think of it, am i going to join the populace in making songs about another girl, so my listeners would go “Arrgghhh another song about another girl” . i swear its getting out of hand. off the top of my head, i can name like 35 or 40 songs about women…. (These people think im joking… ) Oya lets go…
Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Allison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie, May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara, Anne, Billie Jean, Laila, Lola, Parley, Helena, Jenny from the block, Shirley, Laura, wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the moocher, Tracy, Jean, Jane, Maryanne, Ellen the Rigby, caro, danny wilson, Rosie, ifunanya, sade, belinda…. arrrgggghhhh and this is without thinking.
back to my story,
Anyway, i went down to an uncompleted building and i was dissapointed to find out that there were no weed sellers there, i thought all weed sellers operated from uncompleted buildings? what is nollywood teaching us? THOSE LIARS.
Ridiculously enough, i scored some weed from the Mr biggs close to my house and after a couple of hours relishing in the ambience of high ness…. i came up with this song.
Verse 1: everytime i look in to the sky
i sit back and ask myself why
what does the cosmos have to bring
whats the reason why im trying to sing
Up is farrrrrrrrrrrrr
look up to the sky but first park your carrrrrrrr
take a moment, sit and reminisceeeeee
and you my friend will know that
Up is FAAAARRRRRR
The other day,
I went to the top of my building to stay
i looked at the sky and said its true
Weed really does some shit to you
Songs and lyrics by Ceejay scratchbrovaman
well, thats it…. i dont know how anybody can be deeper than this… i think this is the deepest song you can every hear…. if you dont agree with me… write your own…. idiot
What does it actually mean when someone says “a rapper is deep”? Ive pondered this topic for a while now and have come to a personal conclusion. I will tell you what the conclusion is but like i said, its a conclusion. Conclusions come at the end of a topic not at the begining. Im not one of those kind of people that conclude a story before it starts, no way jose. I follow the lone of the story like a professional writer and i break down my points very articulately. I swear, im not lying. What if i told u at the begining that i concluded that “anybody that thinks a rapper is deep lacks insight” how would you feel? Would u want to continue reading ghe pozt? Im serious….answer me. I told about the time when i went to watch a movie and this little kid told me the summary of the movie in a few sentences before i walked into the viewing room. I would have banged his head with my fists but i couldnt for the following reasons.
1, his father was right beside him
2, his father was heavily built like a boxer or something
3, i didnt want to die, its not my time yet
4, if u think im a chicken, go and punch mike tysons child on the face and see what happens.
Anyway, what was i talking about again?…… Ermmm…. Oh the rappers. Well after pondering about this for a while i had to call up my hiphop instincts from where i dumped them. Remember i used to be a rapper? I even blogged about it. Its further down my blog. Anyway, i got my instincts and i was like, ” first, deep is a noun meaning hollow, or extending far down or in…… So if a rapper is deep, is he extending far down or in? Far down into what? Drugs? Maybe drugs….lets say drugs…. So the more doped up a rapper, the deeper he is.” which makes much sense because i was never high when i used to rap, no wonder i wasnt deep, no wonder my rap sucked, no wonder i couldnt make a career out of it, no wonder. I think im going to try my hands at hip hop again. This time imma smoke some weed, do some reefer, angel dust, cocaine, meth, all at the same time.
You know theres gon be a part 2 of this….. Cant give u everything in one sitting.
“No way? Who does that? Like really? Who fires the main character at the begining of the story.”
“I don’t give a shit”
“You’re still fired though”
“Aww mehn, for how long am I fired?”
“Arrrrggghhhh…. Get out of my office”
“But you haven’t even told me why you’re firing me, why the hell am I fired?”
“Get the hell out….”
The store manager rubbed his temples clockwise then anti clockwise…..
“How I hired that idiot… I have no idea” he muttered to himself
“You’re bigger than this louis…. You are calm, you are gentle, you a a white swan gliding across a lake…. Whosaah… Whosaah…”
Suddenly his office door popped open.
“Sorry sir, I know I’m like fired and all… But can I like… Get a raise or something”
MUG SMASHES ON THE HURRIEDLY SHUT DOOR.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“So I think I kinda got fired today….”
“Wait tunji you’re like my best friend and all what not but what does it really mean if your boss throws a coffee mug at you”
“What the?? He did that??”
“Yea, I kinda think he was coming on to me though. I hear there’s a species of monkeys that throw stuff at the female counterparts which they fancy…. I know we are both guys… But with all this talk of gay stuff everywhere…. I don’t know… Well he’s not the ugliest guy out there….”
“I know what you mean dude…. Maybe he was like PMS’ing or somthing…”
“Do guys PMS?”
“I don’t know,but since we think he’s gay already…. I guess it would be safe to think there’s some sort of guy PMS and all”
“Hmm… Tunji have I told you how smart I think you are?”
“Duh, its kinda genetic you know…. My parents said my grandpa was really smart”
“Oh yea I would believe that…. You must have gotten it from him… Let’s take some time to ponder about the miracle of the genetic transfer of brilliance”
They both looked to the ceiling and set their faces square like they were doing some deep thinking.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Omg guys there was this fart I wanted to fart on my way from katsina back to abuja. Omg I knew it was gonna be beast cos I had been holding it in for hours. Coupled with the fact that I had pounded yam with okro then biscuits and a lot of local yoghurt the night before and I had previously had fried yam with a lot of eggs some hours before that…. Wait, that morning I had beans and bread and I didn’t drink water. OH SHIT. Noway, this fart was going to be a keeper. I needed to save this one for the records. This was one of those farts that make you have amnesia, one of those farts that have people wind down their windows in an aeroplane, the kind of fart that make the crippled walk, the kind of fart that pauses time, this was a chuck norris fart. I really wish there was a way to store your farts and there was like an international regulatory body that measured farts and give like the world record holder like a million dollars or something… But how would they get funding? Maybe if there was a way to prove that farts could repair the already damaged ozone layer then countries would start funding the organisation and NGO’s would start bringing out the cash…. But wait, countries fund international NGO’s so why would NGO’s also fund the organisation when the countries are already funding too….. Where was I?
Oh yea and since the chemical formular for ozone is O3 maybe we could find the chemical formular for farts and find out if it really reacts with O2 and gives off O3 as a by product but then we would be having a lot of sulphuric rain cos I’m too damn sure there’s sulphur in farts. You think I’m lying? Why the hell do u think H2SO4 smells like farts or rotten eggs? Its the sulphur baby, but you wouldn’t know that now would you? Did you go to school at all? Maybe you were one of those lazy ones that used to sit at the back of the class drawing the teacher. I sat at the back of the class… That made me who I am today…. I didn’t draw my teacher though…. Wait.. What are we talking about again??
I was somewhat of an olodo when I was in primary school. It wasn’t embarassing before, then we started reading out comprehension passages in class. That was when my life took a turn for the worse.
I remember one particular incident very clearly.
Mr Ojo: ‘we are going to read a comprehension passage today and everybody will read a line each till we finish the passage’ (oh I forgot to mention, I was in a public school and there were 93 of us in class. We all shared 2 textbooks… Yea whatever)
All students: ‘groaning…. Ahhhh let’s do mass instead na’ (I should mention at this point that learning maths ‘mass as we called it then’ meant reciting two times table which most of us had crammed or written on our desks with pen’
Mr Ojo: Shutup all of you. You are all idiots, how stupid can you be? You will never amount to anything in life. I have no idea why you are even in school. You would do better selling pepper or being a mechanic. Bloody fools, all of you. What insolense. Your fathers… No your family and your ancestors are idiots…. (Yea, I remember the insults usually went on for so long). Oya Dona stand up and start reading the first line… Bloody twat’
I hate youth corpers…. All Four teachers I had in primary one were youth corpers and they all had one issue or the other. They never wanted to teach.
Me: ‘The title of the comprehension is Lost. And I begin my reading…. Somebody lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘some one not somebody’
Me: ‘okay… Somebody Lost a pen….’
Mr Ojo: ‘I said Some one, what can you see in your book?’
Me: Looking more carefully ‘someone sir’
Mr Ojo: ‘Say it again’
Mr Ojo: ‘Louder’
Mr Ojo: ‘everybody shout it’
Mr Ojo: Good, Now start reading again you dunce
Me: ‘thank you sir….. Somebody Lost a pen…….’
When I was a kid, I had a very hard time finding a future ambition. Everybody around me wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer but somehow I just couldn’t settle. My future ambitions varied from being a fisherman to being a drug dealer or just being a school teacher. After a while, I realised that my real future ambition was to have a future ambition and I held on to that tightly. Well its over 20years since I realised that, and I can assure you that so far I might have done more jobs than bob the builder. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because on one hand I have all this experience doing so many jobs, for example, I’ve been a teacher, a construction foreman/architect, a writer, a musician, an artist, an engineer, a web designer, a technician, a cook, a banker, a financial adviser, a clerk, a personal assistant, a driver, a conductor, a small and medium business consultant and many more I cannot remember, oh I’ve also been a salesman, a marketer, a computer repairer, an electronics repairer, a programmer, a carpenter, a cameraman, a music producer, a sound engineer, a radio air personality, a journalist, a fiction writer, a love doctor, a counsellor, a cobbler and many more I cannot remember. My point is…… Shit I can’t even remember the point I was trying to make…. I just remember that I’ve also been a travel agent, a tour guide, a chaffeur, a stunt double, an actor, a courier agent, an art dealer, a business middle man, a tailor, a pastor, pharmacist, a chef, a human rights activist, a woman rights activist, a stripper, a talent show host, a talent on a talent show, a judge on a talent show and a talent show organiser. I’m sure there are many more jobs I have done which I cannot remember. One thing is for sure though, and that is that I do not remember the reason why I started writing this and I am too damn lazy to scroll up.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,000 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 33 trips to carry that many people.
It was a Tuesday morning, I had applied to XXX company for the position of I.T. Administrator two weeks ago and they had called me yesterday to come for a brief interview at their office. The interview was slated for 10am but I was there by 7am.
“what harm can coming early possibly do?” I asked myself, plus I was a nervous wreck since this was my first interview ever in life. I had asked myself all the possible questions I could think of, I had gone on the internet, read books and any other thing I could lay my hand on. I made it a point of duty to read one self help book everyday.
Stocked up in my book library, I had read:
Taking Control ,
Be your own man,
How to fire your boss,
Look up in the sky… it’s a bird… it’s a plane… no its you,
You can make it,
Swallow your spit,
No more crap,
No more no more crap (which is no more crap part2),
where do you see yourself in 5 years,
bold and confident,
you are your own superman,
whatever you want,
if I think it I can be it,
being serious in serious matters,
Joblessness is serious business…….
And couple more books I really can’t remember. Bottom line, I wanted to ACE this interview.
I had been jobless for 2 years so I was more than excited about this. I HAD TO GET THIS JOB.
I arrived the office at about quarter to 7am and met the gates locked. I knocked. And a small square that was cut into the gate was flung open. A male face popped up at the other side.
“ehen? Who I dey find” He asked
“I’m here for an interview” I replied showing him my letter.
“ehh nobody she never come. Which time I tell me make I come fa?” He asked as he pulled out a chewing stick from somewhere in his long overflowing sleeping gown and started chewing it with reckless abandon.
I paused for a minute to wonder what teeth he was brushing with the stick seeing as he had about 4 front teeth left and they were brown with decay.
“10 o’clock, but I decided to come early” I replied him finally
“Ehen, Make I wait am for outside” He said and closed the metal flap of the gate.
I looked around and found a nice spot to stand while watching cars drive past.
Two and half hours later, a skinny girl in her early twenties walked up to the gate and knocked. The flap flew open again, no words were exchanged, and the gate opened. Before she could go in, I stopped her briefly
“My name is John everyman, I’m here for the interview”
“Ehh” she replied as though disgusted by my presence “you have to wait with everybody else. The interview is for 10am” and she went in, she didn’t even look at me as she almost literarily spat the words out of her mouth……………..
Okay I know you are waiting for the end of this post…. There is no end…. I got bored so I started writing. Now I’m no longer bored. If you want to finish the post for me please feel free to do that in the comments section. As you can see I haven’t damaged the story yet…. Its still fresh and there’s so much potential… hehehehe ahahahahahahaha I can be that annoying. Oya sorry.
I have not blogged in donkey years, i dont know why, i think ive been preoccupied with different things….. we will find out someday.
So today i woke up very slowly and got to the office by 10 (Look these things happen…. i work hard, i sleep hard also… dont judge me Matt 7:7 KJV)
got to the office and had the following conversation on facebook……
“Hi Who is this?”
“My name is Ceejay Scratch Brovaman, used to be in Platoon 10, go thru my profile jo, if you dont remember me then ill just jump off a bridge”
“Lool C ur head, Hows everything”
“OMG whats wrong with my head???? is it no more…. like a head??? does it now look like…. feet??? need to do something about this”
“Hahahahahaha Hw z abj?”
“well abuja is a city located in the middle belt part of nigeria dominated mostly by hausas but that trend is changing now….theres everybody”
“Ur so funny”
“I am??? omg i had no idea nobody told me”
“Hahahaha Cj Hw z evrytin”
“well everything is everything, im guessing u think everything is something right? well somehow everything is something but its more the fact that everything is made up of little somethings. people would think somethings are made of nothing but thats just preposterous.”
Saw this Ridiculous form online and though i should share. Im sure many of you have seen it.. but im storing it here for record purposes. Kudos to whoever wrote this.
APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
FILL THE FORM IN OWN HANDWRITING AND IN BLOCK LETTERS.
I, _________ , hereby apply tomarry your daughter Sir.I am _____ years old.
Please answer the following questions honestly.
1. Do you go to church? Yes/No
2. Do you have a degree or diploma?Yes/No.
3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No.
4. Are you working? Yes/No.
5. Do you have a car? Yes/No.
If your answer to any of the above questions was NO, do not continue. Leave my house and don’t look back. If all your answers were YES, then continue.
1. In 50 words or more, describe the disadvantages of cheating in marriage._________
2. With the aid of a diagram, explain how you can give respect to your father in-law or mother in-law.
3. Suppose your wife says, “honey, I need money for my hair at the saloon”, what would you answer____________
4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce_____________
5. What does the term ‘good husband’ mean to you____________
6. Do you have both dad and mum?Yes/No. If No, explain why?
7. Were your parents legally married? Yes/No. If YES, for how long? If the time of their marriage is less than your age, explain why you were born out of wedlock.
8. Explain the meaning of ”COME HOME EARLY” as used by women.(100 words)
9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to sleep outside his house.
10. In case of divorce, who do you think is the owner of the kids between father and mother?
Answer the following by Yes or No.
1. Do you drink alcohol? Yes/No.
2. Do you smoke? Yes/No.
3. Are you short-tempered?Yes/No.
LAST PART, BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT.
1. When can you be free for interviews? _______
2. When can be the best time to interview your dad _______
3. When can I interview your mum____________
4. When can I interview your church pastor.
5. Please stick your passport size photo below, which will be put in newspaper to check if you have other girlfriends.
Sign here: _______Sign again:_______