Letter to my land lord.
I heard from the neighbors that you came over last week to demand payment of rent, i was also informed that you knocked for a long time on my door and i did not open. I’m really sorry for that. I heard a knock and looked through the key hole and saw a very ugly face. Thinking it was a zombie, i ran under my bed till the knocking stopped. I’m so sorry, i did not realize it was you. i would also like to remind you that I moved into this compound under duress… I’m not a man of many words so ill just go ahead and tell you that this arrangement is not working for me. wait…. there’s a rat in my ceiling… the thing has been there since i moved in and i have seen 3 generations of its family, i just need it to pay its own half of the rent. anyway like i said before, I’m not a man of many words so i have itemized a couple of things that need your urgent attention.
1, the toilet is blocked and i have not been able to shit since last week, i’m scared that if i flush, the whole toilet will spill over. I’m not doing.
2, Please send someone to repair my corridor as my wife tripped on it three weeks ago and is now pregnant because of that. please do not ask how because i have no idea too.
3, there is one cockroach on my wall that has refused to die. apparently its everything-repellant. i have “slippers’d” it, “mosquito reppellanted” it, “screamed” at it, “sworn” for it, and even reported it to my pastor. but it still remains there on the wall. Someone told me that maybe its my village people that have come to torture me. i have taken the liberty of going to my village and asking around and nobody claims it is them so i have come to the logical conclusion that it probably is your own village people. At this juncture i would have you know that i am a very young man and i have a lot to live for. please tell your village people that you didnt see me.
4, as per your rent for this year, i was wondering if you could take payment in art, cos i made this beautiful painting of a fish and it is worth over 2million in cash to me, so i have taken the liberty of mailing it to you. you can sell it and keep the change.
Thank you very much for your understanding.
Ceejay Scratch Brovaman